Hello Peeps it's been a while so I thought I would gabble on for a bit. Watched the X-Factor last night and noticed that one of our fabulous friends Suzanne Neville had designed one of the dresses again.. she is really becoming a regular on that show and never fails to make the girlies look great!
She was one of the first Designers I chose for the shop when I first started out and was with me to the end. She was one of our more successful stories however, as we have spent many thousands of pounds on what we thought would be great collections only to find out they were complete and utter duffers...
Lucky for me this didn’t happen very often but when it did it usually resulted in a showdown of massive proportions between me and the Designer in question. Designers usually spend a lot of time with people who kiss them on both cheeks and for ever gush at them at how wonderfully superior they are until they believe it to indeed, be totally true and find it hard to get their ever exanding heads through the normal sized doors.
In the early days Designers used to be so lovely to their customers, the bridal shop owner. We would be welcomed open armed to a lovely comfy chair with a glass of champagne, offer of a free lunch or at least some luxurious chocolates and before we left given some lovely thank you gesture of a designer item or suchlike. Nowadays you are lucky if you get a plastic chair, beaker of tap water and an extra strong mint for the £20k a season you spend! and when we closed our doors only one of our Designers wished us luck for the future even though we had spent literally hundreds of thousands of pounds with all of them.
We decided at one bridal exhibition show to add another designer, something different we said, something we didn’t have. Straight away this was our downfall, as if you don’t have it, more often or not, you don’t need it and the bride doesnt want it! Quite an expensive lesson to learn but that was not the least of our worries.
We order thousands of pounds worth of her designs which looked fantastic at the show. Her embroidery was equisite and the dresses looked amazing on her model Natalie. They arrived and looked great on the rail but once we started trying them on the brides we found, our best attempts of persuasion could not get them to look right and on close inspection one dress had the bust dart one inch from the shoulder (no I am not kidding). Trying our best to explain to Brides to be how it would look if it fit them by unzipping the back and pulling the dress down then up then down again.
Hmmm we thought this cannot be right so we contacted the designer who, very disgruntled and rudely said “obviously you cannot sell or this would not pose a problem!” as you see we are expected to say to anyone who tries the dresses on “well if its made correctly it will look like this” in our opinion not a great sales technique.
She couldn’t understand our amazement when she actually admitted all her dresses were not in fact a standard dress size 12 or cut from a dress makers dummy but cut from her sales assistant Natalie who, in her opinion, was the best way to cut a dress. So, as you can image if Natalie has a great night out one Saturday drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and a chicken madras and several onion bargis heaven help the shop that gets their samples that week!
Finally we managed to get someone to order a dress hurrah! After all, she did offer a made to measure service complete with Toile fitting (supposedly cut to exact body shape). The problem was that this designer who appeared to be extremely good when we ordered the samples had absolutely no bloody idea when it came to ordering for the customer.
The Bride stood in her dress looking herself up and down in the mirror. I looked at her, turned my head to one side then the other... and whispered to my seamstress "is it me or is that embroidery crooked?" on closer inspection the intricate embroidered centre panel was obviously created by Natalie after on of her Saturday nights on the booze as it was half inch from the left seam but two inches from the right! explaining to the designer that the bride wanted to neither walk slanted down the aisle or photoshop all her wedding pictures could she put it right.
Next the dress went back because the boning cut through the dress into the skin of our poor bride and as we don't usually like our brides to bleed to death at the altar could she do the job properly! In the end, we pretty much re-made the dress ourselves to get the fit right and corsetry to the standard we expected. In the end we remade all her samples to fit perfectly and sold them off cheaply to get rid, easier in the long run we thought and totally glad to see the back of this poor excuse for a designer.
Other problems that can arise are not receiving the dress at all! This one is slightly more stressful as you can sort out wonky embroidery but there is not a lot you can do if the dress isn’t even there. Although we feel sorry for those companies that go under we can't understand why they continue to take orders knowing full well that they will not honour them. Whilst this had never happened to us we had a Designer that gave us a few sleepless nights.
We decided to be much more careful chosing the new range, this time checking out the competition, asking all the right questions like, how long is ordering time? where are the dresses made? Can you sew? Do you have an assistant called Natalie? All the answers seemed ok so we went ahead and ordered a collection.
It took four months for the collection to arrive, after which we noticed a destinct lact of any advertising or even a website from the Designer not a good sign when you want Brides to see the range to want to try it on and not a good sign when you consider the first thing to depreciate when a business is struggling is their advertising budget. Assurances were given that her new re-vamped business would give us more coverage, more advertising and more orders. Months went by then, a year later, just before the next Bridal show the website was uploaded (what a coincidence).
Deciding to drop this dead weight before it caused us a major meltdown was probably the best decision as the only dress ordered for a bride didn’t arrive til about four days before the wedding after we had threatened to visit her shop in London. Before this we telephoned despatch who said “I don’t know what’s happening” then we were told “its on its way” then “no it hasn’t even been despatched yet” then “its stuck in customs”. When the dress arrived and we managed to get all our work done and ready before the wedding date minus a few marbles in our heads and to the relief of the bride. The company closed down the following season leaving many brides (from other shops) without their dresses. After this fiasco we refused to deal with any designer who manufactured their gowns anywhere else than the UK.
So brides please remember when a bridal shop tells you they need to allow arrival time as well as ordering time don’t shrug it off or mess about for weeks before ordering listen and learn ladies the more time is always the better.
Now I must say before I finish on this subject for every really bad supplier there are at least ten really great ones. The designers we had year in and year out were brilliant they were rarely late and always told you what’s happening and never cut a dress from a sales assistant called Natalie. If a dress was ever wrong (which was rare) it’s sorted and back. They take pride in their work and although they do kiss on both cheeks and sometimes have huge ego's they know their stuff.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Friday, 25 September 2009
The Psycho Obsessive Bride.
You can guarantee on the rare occasion you decide to take a day off the answer phone and email fills to capacity. Most messages are from our psycho obsessive brides wanting to check if they can wear a 2” heel with their dress. Other pressing and very important questions are what underwear should I wear with my dress? normal and quite sensible questions you say? well yes but not really so urgent about twelve months before the wedding! Can you image I call a top London designer who is dealing with maybe 200 dresses to ask which pair of knickers Miss C should wear with her dress.
These ladies also ring us about six months before their wedding date asking us to contact the designer to find out how their dress is doing? I tend not to ring the Designer to ask as they would probably reply “its over there in that roll of uncut fabric”. So sometimes we have to use our initiative to avoid POB going "off on one". “Oh I was just speaking to the designer about your dress” is a good one or “she is working on it as we speak” usually covers it.
When a bride orders her dress twelve months before the wedding and we smile and gush as she leaves the shop advising that we will look forward to seeing her soon. We usually, however, expect the “soon” to be when the dress arrives and not two days later. Some Brides call us every bloody week from “can I just check my fabric again” to “can I bring my underwear to check it for colour match”.
So we try to get the dresses in two months before the wedding. Eight weeks, you would think, would be long enough for even a Royal Wedding arranged in monstrous proportions? Well no in fact its not and many brides call us three weeks before this screaming at us where is her dress. When we reply it will be here in three weeks they claim that it is simply not enough time. So we receive three to four calls a week from the bride from hell until the deadline arrives along with the dress on time as usual. The bride upon hearing this wonderful news responds “about bloody time” then states "she is far too busy to come this week but there is no rush is there" and "can she have an appointment at 7pm because she has taken all her leave allowance for the honeymoon" or "I can't make it to the shop do you offer home fittings?". And where does this bride live in location to the shop? California? Siberia? No two minutes walk away not even a car journey.
We then spend the next seven weeks up to collection on the phone discussing veil colours and tiara heights. Can I also point out at this point that an ivory dress is ivory so do you really need a swatch of fabric to match up your flowers! And if it’s a white dress I suggest white flowers even without seeing the swatch of fabric would probably be the best way to go. I know attention to detail is all-important but I am pretty sure if your fabric is not quite the same shade as the roses there is not a bloody thing either of us can do about it unless you are the Queen in "Alice in Wonderland" and demand that the roses are painted!
The psycho obsessive bride worries about all eventualities all possible things that could go wrong are taken into account and possible solutions are noted. Hours are spent replying to answer phone messages
1) “what if the bridesmaid stands on the train or veil?” I would love my answer to be "kill the bloody big footed bridesmaid".
2) “What if it rains on the day” oh I will just ring God and tell him to defer that to Sunday it won't be a problem.
3)“How will I dance in the dress?” I don’t bloody care sod off.
They resemble a nervous wreck by collection of the dress and doubt they will remember any of the actual day let alone enjoy it. Why do we put ourselves through so much stress!
These ladies also ring us about six months before their wedding date asking us to contact the designer to find out how their dress is doing? I tend not to ring the Designer to ask as they would probably reply “its over there in that roll of uncut fabric”. So sometimes we have to use our initiative to avoid POB going "off on one". “Oh I was just speaking to the designer about your dress” is a good one or “she is working on it as we speak” usually covers it.
When a bride orders her dress twelve months before the wedding and we smile and gush as she leaves the shop advising that we will look forward to seeing her soon. We usually, however, expect the “soon” to be when the dress arrives and not two days later. Some Brides call us every bloody week from “can I just check my fabric again” to “can I bring my underwear to check it for colour match”.
So we try to get the dresses in two months before the wedding. Eight weeks, you would think, would be long enough for even a Royal Wedding arranged in monstrous proportions? Well no in fact its not and many brides call us three weeks before this screaming at us where is her dress. When we reply it will be here in three weeks they claim that it is simply not enough time. So we receive three to four calls a week from the bride from hell until the deadline arrives along with the dress on time as usual. The bride upon hearing this wonderful news responds “about bloody time” then states "she is far too busy to come this week but there is no rush is there" and "can she have an appointment at 7pm because she has taken all her leave allowance for the honeymoon" or "I can't make it to the shop do you offer home fittings?". And where does this bride live in location to the shop? California? Siberia? No two minutes walk away not even a car journey.
We then spend the next seven weeks up to collection on the phone discussing veil colours and tiara heights. Can I also point out at this point that an ivory dress is ivory so do you really need a swatch of fabric to match up your flowers! And if it’s a white dress I suggest white flowers even without seeing the swatch of fabric would probably be the best way to go. I know attention to detail is all-important but I am pretty sure if your fabric is not quite the same shade as the roses there is not a bloody thing either of us can do about it unless you are the Queen in "Alice in Wonderland" and demand that the roses are painted!
The psycho obsessive bride worries about all eventualities all possible things that could go wrong are taken into account and possible solutions are noted. Hours are spent replying to answer phone messages
1) “what if the bridesmaid stands on the train or veil?” I would love my answer to be "kill the bloody big footed bridesmaid".
2) “What if it rains on the day” oh I will just ring God and tell him to defer that to Sunday it won't be a problem.
3)“How will I dance in the dress?” I don’t bloody care sod off.
They resemble a nervous wreck by collection of the dress and doubt they will remember any of the actual day let alone enjoy it. Why do we put ourselves through so much stress!
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
The Bridal Exhibition
It's the Harrogate Bridal Exhibition (BBEH) for the bridal traders this week, I am smiling in the knowledge I no longer have to suffer it. It did, however bring back some memories of previous visits...
Oh the joy of the Bridal Trade Exhibition where we lovingly walk gracefully around beautiful stands of elegant bridal gowns viewing graceful models in these wonderful creations whilst nodding or swaying a hand to confirm this addition to our collection and sipping glasses of champagne and eating truffles and then retiring to our luxury hotel suite for an evening at the Bridal Awards Dinner...
Er.. No not exactly!
When at the show you pass many other Bridal Shop owners, some of these ladies have been in "the business of wedding" for years and you can spot them a mile off. Mulling through stand after stand polyester white beaded dresses they stand with designer handbag over shoulder always in compulsory gaudy gold colour, i-phone in one hand, palm in the other (ear piece if they want to be really sad) and very sparkly expensive looking jewellery over every finger, wrist and neck (yes they have multiple necks haha) with Bleached Blonde highlights, extensions or even a wig, false nails, fake tan and lots and lots of make-up.
All this is because, as we all know people, it is really important what a bridal shop owner wears. The shoes and Bag are all important whilst you do not want to end up crippled for life this pales into insignifigance as you must show you can afford this new dress designer by the fact you are wearing ridiculously expensive shoes and your Bag cost the price of a new Fiat Uno.
Anyone that knows me well, will know this is not really my style. I usually spent a week before the show frantically rushing around every store in the city to find something half way decent not so much resembling the look of a Gucci or Dior but affordable and practical. Most years I simply ended up wearing much the same outfit as I did the year before and I am pretty sure no one ever noticed.
As you walked down the aisles you had to try not to give eye contact to the stall holders in case you are pulled into their stand and have to smile and compliment them on their hiddeous creations whilst trying to make an excuse for why you couldn't purchase from them. When you finally find dresses that will compliment your already massive collection which you "just have to have" nine times out of ten you find the shop round the corner has smugly beaten you to it and ordered ten minutes earlier “DAMN AND BLAST”.
Hair dishevelled and blisters on foot you throw yourself on the nearest chair eating a very stale cheese sandwich which cost £10 and a warm flat fizzy drink which still proceeds to repeat on you all afternoon. Then slightly dishevelled you walk past endless models, waifs smugly prancing down the aisles in size 4 dresses. Even though you are the customer and your spending is paying their wages you tend to feel so insignificant and extremely overweight and unworthy.
Adding up your orders to find you have spent the price of a luxury holiday home in Florida even after promising yourself that this year you would'nt so that by the end you feel as if in the final round with Mike Tyson. You cancel the nights stay in the B&B down the road because the idea of sitting at the Bridal Awards with all those waifs in your size 18 evening frock makes you shudder. So you drive all the way back home and flop onto your sofa still in shock.
The bridal industry like most of the fashion industry is somewhat like the acting profession. You see lots of fake smiles and there are always kisses on both cheeks and gushes of loveliness. What your customers never see is the behind the scenes "dog eat dog" first come first served race against time to get the Designers you want before your competition. You smile and pass pleasantries at the owner of the shop down the road as she passes you in the aisles (always looking much more elegant in her Prada and Jimmy choo’s) but if she dares to drop in on my Designers stands I will rugby tackle her to the floor and knock her out! If a new Designer pops up that season that shows Design promise the stand resembles the first day of the next sale with bridal shop owners pushing and shoving one another out of the way to get to the Designer first to arrange exclusivity.
Designers love their ego's to be stroked and you are expected to say every single dress they design is fantastic even if you wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. Every year they get more expensive and every year they expect you to buy more Dresses to secure their exclusivity, yes exclusivity is all important when spending so much you don't want the shop round the corner selling the same thing.
I had some great Designers, but I spent a lot with them so I suppose I was just as much a great stockists as they were a Designer. That being said choosing them took years and I have made some huge mistakes with new designers in my time... but we will come to that another day!
For some people though the Bridal Exhibition is exciting and frilly and beautiful and lovely and like a pink fairy on top of a cake.. they usually fall into one of two catagories... the ones that are either buying for a major Bridal chain (and therefore are spending someone elses money) or those who work for one of the larger Designers that own a stand at the show and so they are simply there to take orders and look pretty! For those people it is three days of Champagne, laughing, messing about, eating and Parties. Basically, they are Lucky Buggars!
Oh the joy of the Bridal Trade Exhibition where we lovingly walk gracefully around beautiful stands of elegant bridal gowns viewing graceful models in these wonderful creations whilst nodding or swaying a hand to confirm this addition to our collection and sipping glasses of champagne and eating truffles and then retiring to our luxury hotel suite for an evening at the Bridal Awards Dinner...
Er.. No not exactly!
When at the show you pass many other Bridal Shop owners, some of these ladies have been in "the business of wedding" for years and you can spot them a mile off. Mulling through stand after stand polyester white beaded dresses they stand with designer handbag over shoulder always in compulsory gaudy gold colour, i-phone in one hand, palm in the other (ear piece if they want to be really sad) and very sparkly expensive looking jewellery over every finger, wrist and neck (yes they have multiple necks haha) with Bleached Blonde highlights, extensions or even a wig, false nails, fake tan and lots and lots of make-up.
All this is because, as we all know people, it is really important what a bridal shop owner wears. The shoes and Bag are all important whilst you do not want to end up crippled for life this pales into insignifigance as you must show you can afford this new dress designer by the fact you are wearing ridiculously expensive shoes and your Bag cost the price of a new Fiat Uno.
Anyone that knows me well, will know this is not really my style. I usually spent a week before the show frantically rushing around every store in the city to find something half way decent not so much resembling the look of a Gucci or Dior but affordable and practical. Most years I simply ended up wearing much the same outfit as I did the year before and I am pretty sure no one ever noticed.
As you walked down the aisles you had to try not to give eye contact to the stall holders in case you are pulled into their stand and have to smile and compliment them on their hiddeous creations whilst trying to make an excuse for why you couldn't purchase from them. When you finally find dresses that will compliment your already massive collection which you "just have to have" nine times out of ten you find the shop round the corner has smugly beaten you to it and ordered ten minutes earlier “DAMN AND BLAST”.
Hair dishevelled and blisters on foot you throw yourself on the nearest chair eating a very stale cheese sandwich which cost £10 and a warm flat fizzy drink which still proceeds to repeat on you all afternoon. Then slightly dishevelled you walk past endless models, waifs smugly prancing down the aisles in size 4 dresses. Even though you are the customer and your spending is paying their wages you tend to feel so insignificant and extremely overweight and unworthy.
Adding up your orders to find you have spent the price of a luxury holiday home in Florida even after promising yourself that this year you would'nt so that by the end you feel as if in the final round with Mike Tyson. You cancel the nights stay in the B&B down the road because the idea of sitting at the Bridal Awards with all those waifs in your size 18 evening frock makes you shudder. So you drive all the way back home and flop onto your sofa still in shock.
The bridal industry like most of the fashion industry is somewhat like the acting profession. You see lots of fake smiles and there are always kisses on both cheeks and gushes of loveliness. What your customers never see is the behind the scenes "dog eat dog" first come first served race against time to get the Designers you want before your competition. You smile and pass pleasantries at the owner of the shop down the road as she passes you in the aisles (always looking much more elegant in her Prada and Jimmy choo’s) but if she dares to drop in on my Designers stands I will rugby tackle her to the floor and knock her out! If a new Designer pops up that season that shows Design promise the stand resembles the first day of the next sale with bridal shop owners pushing and shoving one another out of the way to get to the Designer first to arrange exclusivity.
Designers love their ego's to be stroked and you are expected to say every single dress they design is fantastic even if you wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. Every year they get more expensive and every year they expect you to buy more Dresses to secure their exclusivity, yes exclusivity is all important when spending so much you don't want the shop round the corner selling the same thing.
I had some great Designers, but I spent a lot with them so I suppose I was just as much a great stockists as they were a Designer. That being said choosing them took years and I have made some huge mistakes with new designers in my time... but we will come to that another day!
For some people though the Bridal Exhibition is exciting and frilly and beautiful and lovely and like a pink fairy on top of a cake.. they usually fall into one of two catagories... the ones that are either buying for a major Bridal chain (and therefore are spending someone elses money) or those who work for one of the larger Designers that own a stand at the show and so they are simply there to take orders and look pretty! For those people it is three days of Champagne, laughing, messing about, eating and Parties. Basically, they are Lucky Buggars!
Friday, 4 September 2009
The Dress Abusers
This is so irritating beyond belief. Now can I point out ladies that a wedding shop will have dresses which retail at well over £1,000 each which means they have most likely spent the value of a detached house in Escrick to get them on the rails so the system in a wedding shop is a little different to that of Dorothy Perkins.
For example we do not like it when you push all the dresses into one clump on the rail and proceed to pull one after the other across as if searching for another pair or hipsters in the summer sale at Miss Selfridge. Neither do we consider it big or clever to then pull out a £2,500 gown standing on the skirt has you pull it towards you mother waving it around the room.
I especially despise those that think it super fun to push the hanger still attached to the dress behind your head so as to dangle the dress in front of you stretching the neckline out of all realistic shape and leave a beautiful greasy lip gloss imprint on the front. And the final insult the ladies that seem to think as it is a sample it really doesn’t matter if, after trying on, they are discarded on the floor and stood on whilst trying the next style with their stilleto heels.
I had a bride and her mother in the studio once looking at bridal gowns, she had a budget of £1,000 exclaiming that this was an extremely large amount of money (which it is). The mother proceeds to drag through the rail pulling at a £3500 silk tulle bridal gown. I asked her to take a seat and we would go through the rail for her, she carried on dragging through the rail stamping on each dress as she went. I asked again to which she replied,
“Well how else am I to see the dresses”.
Now I could feel the blood begining to rise and thought steam would come out of my ears at this point. I replied ...
“If you take a seat I will show them all to you”
She snorted at me and replied with
“they're only samples what’s the problem”.
Now at this point I could imagine sliding my size 7 shoe towards her posterior and sending her in the direction of the stairs (or better still through the sash window into the street below her bum skimming the cobbles as she went).
I simply took a deep breath, counted to ten and said
“Well yes they are indeed samples as you say but as these gowns range from £1500-4000 and I have paid for each and every one of them myself you can imagine I must take care of them and a bride would not want to try on a dirty ripped sample would she?"
She took her seat as if a scolded child and I felt much better. Her daughter after trying on a couple of gowns apologised for her mothers ignorance and left the shop after happily promising to return without mother in tow.
For example we do not like it when you push all the dresses into one clump on the rail and proceed to pull one after the other across as if searching for another pair or hipsters in the summer sale at Miss Selfridge. Neither do we consider it big or clever to then pull out a £2,500 gown standing on the skirt has you pull it towards you mother waving it around the room.
I especially despise those that think it super fun to push the hanger still attached to the dress behind your head so as to dangle the dress in front of you stretching the neckline out of all realistic shape and leave a beautiful greasy lip gloss imprint on the front. And the final insult the ladies that seem to think as it is a sample it really doesn’t matter if, after trying on, they are discarded on the floor and stood on whilst trying the next style with their stilleto heels.
I had a bride and her mother in the studio once looking at bridal gowns, she had a budget of £1,000 exclaiming that this was an extremely large amount of money (which it is). The mother proceeds to drag through the rail pulling at a £3500 silk tulle bridal gown. I asked her to take a seat and we would go through the rail for her, she carried on dragging through the rail stamping on each dress as she went. I asked again to which she replied,
“Well how else am I to see the dresses”.
Now I could feel the blood begining to rise and thought steam would come out of my ears at this point. I replied ...
“If you take a seat I will show them all to you”
She snorted at me and replied with
“they're only samples what’s the problem”.
Now at this point I could imagine sliding my size 7 shoe towards her posterior and sending her in the direction of the stairs (or better still through the sash window into the street below her bum skimming the cobbles as she went).
I simply took a deep breath, counted to ten and said
“Well yes they are indeed samples as you say but as these gowns range from £1500-4000 and I have paid for each and every one of them myself you can imagine I must take care of them and a bride would not want to try on a dirty ripped sample would she?"
She took her seat as if a scolded child and I felt much better. Her daughter after trying on a couple of gowns apologised for her mothers ignorance and left the shop after happily promising to return without mother in tow.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
The W.O.T.
Yes the W.O.T. If you had this marked next to your name on our diary you won’t be coming back any time soon as you are a “waste of time”.
Believe me there are people out there with nothing better to do than visit wedding shops to try on dresses just for a laugh. You can usually spot them a mile off though but I do feel sorry for the "off the peg" bridal shop as they must get these girls a lot. I do know though that many of these shop owners demand the younger brides bring their mothers with them so beware! they have ways around your tomfoolery.
So there are diferent catagories of W.O.T.
Just a bit of fun girl...
Oh what a joy these are so much fun ! in case you were wondering I am being utterly sarcastic. Funnily enough these are the same girls that call demanding an appointment at one minutes notice and if they don’t get what they want they throw the tiara's accross the room (well maybe not but you know what I mean). They prance in half an hour late because they had a late lunch and wanted to finish off the bottle of wine but still expect a full hour (I mean what does it matter that they put out another bride). When I ask their budget…
“oh around the £500 mark but at a push I could make it £800".
Now don’t get me wrong I have nothing against these brides, £800 is a lot of money to spend on a dress. I politely tell them my dresses are designer silk gowns and range at £1400+ to which they reply
“oh well I will try on anyway it’s a bit of fun isn't it”.
Well can I point out its not a bit of fun for me having some bride messing about for an hour when another bride has been turned away because we are fully booked up for the next six weeks! Don’t be surprised if I don’t find it a bit of bloody fun and boot you out the shop!
Wedding Dress Weirdo.
When working for another shop I had to do a dreaded wedding fare (we will come to those later). A lady came to the stand and went through our collection of wedding dresses and arranged an appointment to view. She came to the shop and spent well over two hours trying on dresses until she had decided on a style, asking questions over numerous emails and calls. She then came back two weeks later to try on again and again a week after that. Then, nothing no calls no emails nothing, we shrugged it off presuming she had bought elsewhere.
I receive a call from a bride wanting an appointment to view our dresses a few weeks after opening the shop. The name rings a bell but I proceed anyway and low and behold in she comes the same bride. Perhaps she had cancelled her wedding you think? Perhaps she is marrying someone else? I ask her if she has tried wedding dresses on before? She says no. Strange! Do you have a twin? No. Giving her the benefit of the doubt I allow her to try a few dresses on. Feeling like I was going through deja vous we receive countless emails and calls about the dress she definately wants and visits another time before never hearing from her again!
Six months later we are at another wedding Fare and whom do I see? You guessed it this time at another stand. I visit the stand after she has gone and ask they shop owner had she had the girls in before? “Oh yes she is getting her dress from us she has been in three times now so she will be ordering soon” don’t hold your breath I think.
Super WOT.
Or of course there are the super WOT’s which claim we don’t have enough stock – So I have spent the value of a new German Sports car in dresses this season and have the value of a small holiday home in Majorca already on the rail but that is simply not enough.
“Is this all you have”
we hear as the bride peruses the sagging rails of stock.
“Are you getting any more in?”
To which I usually reply, “what are you looking for”? Now I will guarantee you at this point she will bring out a paper clipping from a wedding magazine of the most hideous wedding gown know to history, it will be stroon with bright pink lace and heavy beading with bow peep style swags and rather attractive wonky bow on the behind. I am close to laughter and feel so strong the urge to burst out “your having a laugh aren’t you?” I don’t think I will be getting anything in like that I am afraid my designers shy away from the bloody ridiculous.
And then there is MEGA WOT!!!
I had an email from a bride wanting to come and visit I of course obliged. She came in and spent three hours trying on dresses to then tell me her wedding was two years away but she wanted to get sorted early. Annoyed but giving her the benefit of the doubt she left the shop with details on five different dresses of which she just couldn’t make up her mind which one she liked best.
She emailed six times in one week to go over the prices of each again and again asking if I would “do a deal for cash” or “would they ever be available in the sale”. Of course I don’t mind people asking me this but I had to remind her that our size 12 sample if it was in the sale would not magically change to fit her as she is a size 16 anyway.
She emails again to say she has seen another dress she really likes from the designer we stock and do we have it? we don’t, but the damn designer said to her we could borrow the dress for her to see! So we pay the £25 to borrow the dress and she likes it very much.
The thing is, she looks dreadful in it absolutely dreadful. Remember the huge hipped ones? And what don’t you wear? Bias cut right? Wrong you do if you are “Miss Strange”. I try my best to change her mind but she won’t budge. I then try offering a different skirt style one that doesn’t show her early middle age spread and doesn’t emphasise but skims! Big mistake! As she would want to see it first though, I mean, what if I didn’t like it?
So she now wants me to order a dress for free as a sample for her to try on before ordering. Politely I show her the door and ask her to speak with the designer personally. Twenty-five pounds and many hours poorer I breathe a sigh of relief that she has gone.
Oh no she sends another email saying the designer has the dress with the other skirt and we can … you guessed it, borrow the sample. No bloody way I think and tell her she will need to travel to the designer, as I am not bloody paying again.
The saga is not over yet, she emails again to complain to me that the designer did not have the dress she wanted and her time was wasted. I send back a polite note to say in a nice tone that its not my bloody problem and she would have to complain to the designer not me.
Oh god another email she is still pissed off with the designer (though not, strangely, complaining to her only to me!) and I am still down twenty five pounds not to mention many hours in dress fittings and twenty emails. I ask her what exactly she keeps emailing me for? She replies, “I just thought you were nice and I wanted someone to let off steam to” so obviously her family are sick of her as well.
So the outcome, she will never ever buy a dress from that designer not even if you paid her even though she loves it and thinks it was the best dress she had ever seen so there! Cutting your nose of the spite you face springs to mind. Oh and can she have another appointment to look at the other designers in my shop again? No bloody way, I reply email to say I think I have helped her all I can, she replies again saying “I think you are fed up of me now aren’t you” deleting a reply which just read “yes” I changed it to - well you did say your budget was £750 and we don’t have any other dresses at that price so its just upsetting you to come again and view dresses you cant afford, she replies – I just thought I could get some more ideas though, at which point I consider the fact that this is not a bride but a weird “not really getting married” lady who just wants to harass someone so I ask her to look elsewhere and then block her emails ha!
Believe me there are people out there with nothing better to do than visit wedding shops to try on dresses just for a laugh. You can usually spot them a mile off though but I do feel sorry for the "off the peg" bridal shop as they must get these girls a lot. I do know though that many of these shop owners demand the younger brides bring their mothers with them so beware! they have ways around your tomfoolery.
So there are diferent catagories of W.O.T.
Just a bit of fun girl...
Oh what a joy these are so much fun ! in case you were wondering I am being utterly sarcastic. Funnily enough these are the same girls that call demanding an appointment at one minutes notice and if they don’t get what they want they throw the tiara's accross the room (well maybe not but you know what I mean). They prance in half an hour late because they had a late lunch and wanted to finish off the bottle of wine but still expect a full hour (I mean what does it matter that they put out another bride). When I ask their budget…
“oh around the £500 mark but at a push I could make it £800".
Now don’t get me wrong I have nothing against these brides, £800 is a lot of money to spend on a dress. I politely tell them my dresses are designer silk gowns and range at £1400+ to which they reply
“oh well I will try on anyway it’s a bit of fun isn't it”.
Well can I point out its not a bit of fun for me having some bride messing about for an hour when another bride has been turned away because we are fully booked up for the next six weeks! Don’t be surprised if I don’t find it a bit of bloody fun and boot you out the shop!
Wedding Dress Weirdo.
When working for another shop I had to do a dreaded wedding fare (we will come to those later). A lady came to the stand and went through our collection of wedding dresses and arranged an appointment to view. She came to the shop and spent well over two hours trying on dresses until she had decided on a style, asking questions over numerous emails and calls. She then came back two weeks later to try on again and again a week after that. Then, nothing no calls no emails nothing, we shrugged it off presuming she had bought elsewhere.
I receive a call from a bride wanting an appointment to view our dresses a few weeks after opening the shop. The name rings a bell but I proceed anyway and low and behold in she comes the same bride. Perhaps she had cancelled her wedding you think? Perhaps she is marrying someone else? I ask her if she has tried wedding dresses on before? She says no. Strange! Do you have a twin? No. Giving her the benefit of the doubt I allow her to try a few dresses on. Feeling like I was going through deja vous we receive countless emails and calls about the dress she definately wants and visits another time before never hearing from her again!
Six months later we are at another wedding Fare and whom do I see? You guessed it this time at another stand. I visit the stand after she has gone and ask they shop owner had she had the girls in before? “Oh yes she is getting her dress from us she has been in three times now so she will be ordering soon” don’t hold your breath I think.
Super WOT.
Or of course there are the super WOT’s which claim we don’t have enough stock – So I have spent the value of a new German Sports car in dresses this season and have the value of a small holiday home in Majorca already on the rail but that is simply not enough.
“Is this all you have”
we hear as the bride peruses the sagging rails of stock.
“Are you getting any more in?”
To which I usually reply, “what are you looking for”? Now I will guarantee you at this point she will bring out a paper clipping from a wedding magazine of the most hideous wedding gown know to history, it will be stroon with bright pink lace and heavy beading with bow peep style swags and rather attractive wonky bow on the behind. I am close to laughter and feel so strong the urge to burst out “your having a laugh aren’t you?” I don’t think I will be getting anything in like that I am afraid my designers shy away from the bloody ridiculous.
And then there is MEGA WOT!!!
I had an email from a bride wanting to come and visit I of course obliged. She came in and spent three hours trying on dresses to then tell me her wedding was two years away but she wanted to get sorted early. Annoyed but giving her the benefit of the doubt she left the shop with details on five different dresses of which she just couldn’t make up her mind which one she liked best.
She emailed six times in one week to go over the prices of each again and again asking if I would “do a deal for cash” or “would they ever be available in the sale”. Of course I don’t mind people asking me this but I had to remind her that our size 12 sample if it was in the sale would not magically change to fit her as she is a size 16 anyway.
She emails again to say she has seen another dress she really likes from the designer we stock and do we have it? we don’t, but the damn designer said to her we could borrow the dress for her to see! So we pay the £25 to borrow the dress and she likes it very much.
The thing is, she looks dreadful in it absolutely dreadful. Remember the huge hipped ones? And what don’t you wear? Bias cut right? Wrong you do if you are “Miss Strange”. I try my best to change her mind but she won’t budge. I then try offering a different skirt style one that doesn’t show her early middle age spread and doesn’t emphasise but skims! Big mistake! As she would want to see it first though, I mean, what if I didn’t like it?
So she now wants me to order a dress for free as a sample for her to try on before ordering. Politely I show her the door and ask her to speak with the designer personally. Twenty-five pounds and many hours poorer I breathe a sigh of relief that she has gone.
Oh no she sends another email saying the designer has the dress with the other skirt and we can … you guessed it, borrow the sample. No bloody way I think and tell her she will need to travel to the designer, as I am not bloody paying again.
The saga is not over yet, she emails again to complain to me that the designer did not have the dress she wanted and her time was wasted. I send back a polite note to say in a nice tone that its not my bloody problem and she would have to complain to the designer not me.
Oh god another email she is still pissed off with the designer (though not, strangely, complaining to her only to me!) and I am still down twenty five pounds not to mention many hours in dress fittings and twenty emails. I ask her what exactly she keeps emailing me for? She replies, “I just thought you were nice and I wanted someone to let off steam to” so obviously her family are sick of her as well.
So the outcome, she will never ever buy a dress from that designer not even if you paid her even though she loves it and thinks it was the best dress she had ever seen so there! Cutting your nose of the spite you face springs to mind. Oh and can she have another appointment to look at the other designers in my shop again? No bloody way, I reply email to say I think I have helped her all I can, she replies again saying “I think you are fed up of me now aren’t you” deleting a reply which just read “yes” I changed it to - well you did say your budget was £750 and we don’t have any other dresses at that price so its just upsetting you to come again and view dresses you cant afford, she replies – I just thought I could get some more ideas though, at which point I consider the fact that this is not a bride but a weird “not really getting married” lady who just wants to harass someone so I ask her to look elsewhere and then block her emails ha!
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Not quite a WAG bride.
Picture the scene, its Saturday, the day in the week when every bride wants to go around and choose her wedding dress. Most sensible girls with an IQ level higher than a goldfish realise that on a busy day an appointment would be an advantage. With a diary full of appointments we hear the door chimes clank and a parade of stomping feet climb the stairs.
It takes some time because as you would expect the usual pram and pushchair cavalcade follow along with teenager from hell, cherub/devil flower girl, matron of honour dressed in combats, crop top, short spiky hair bleached blond and black displaying interesting tattoos and a collection of gold hoop earrings up each ear as well as one in her nose. A mother, mother in law, Auntie, Grandmother and friend (for a second opinion of course) all tramp up the stairs flagged by what can only be described as the Bride of Frankenstein.
The bride too, is wearing crop top and combats, DM boots but even more delightful the combats are hipsters and show off not only tattoos but also the top half of the cerise pink g-string. She starts by barging into the main room nearly sending the current bride who has an appointment flying. At which I make a rugby tackle like dive in front of the door
“Do you rent dresses?” she bellows
I try not to seem too snooty but please people, rent dresses? When have you ever heard that? I replied with “I am sorry I don’t think there are any shops in the city that HIRE their GOWNS” the mother of the bride lets out a huff and tutt and rants “we just want to look at your dresses” to which I reply “I am sorry but you need an appointment” the poor bride with an appointment is looking on bemused and terrified at the prospect of the convoy of people being ushered into the room in which she stands. “What just to look at them that’s stupid come on Kylie lets go” and they retreat slamming the door wind chimes nearly smashed into oblivion as they pass.
One very hectic Saturday, my Saturday worker is sitting around as usual either arms crossed yawning and off in her dream world or texting her mates about some lad she met. The alterations expert is in the main fitting room with yet another bride who has lost weight slowing losing patience with the amount of alteration work to be done and I am on the 2nd floor with four bridesmaids all with diferent dress styles in mind. I hear the door chimes ring and a stampede of heavy feet climb the stairs. Waiting to greet them I come face to face with “loud bride”.
Bride - “Do you have bridesmaids stuff” she shouts at ten decibels
“Yes we do but I am afraid we are fully booked today”.
Now I am not posh (ask anyone who knows me) and I am not snooty but this bride was extremely loud and extremely common I am sorry but it has to be said. She was probably about a size 26 with tattoos and piercings galore. She is not shifting so I run for some brochures and the price list. Whilst I am in the other room gathering my “get out of the shop” material I hear her delicate bellow as she looks at the size 8 svelte bride in the fitting room and says “oh you look ace in that love”. She then turns to her “husband to be” a scrawny little fellow with a scalped haircut and various tattoos to match his partner and states “that’s how thin I want to be for our wedding when I’ve had’t Baby”.
Not something you usually expect to hear in a bridal shop I try to contain myself as I shove the brochures in her hand and gesture her to the door. Really ladies please contain yourself a bridal shop is a serene place of peace and tranquillity not an episode of Jeremy Kyle.
It takes some time because as you would expect the usual pram and pushchair cavalcade follow along with teenager from hell, cherub/devil flower girl, matron of honour dressed in combats, crop top, short spiky hair bleached blond and black displaying interesting tattoos and a collection of gold hoop earrings up each ear as well as one in her nose. A mother, mother in law, Auntie, Grandmother and friend (for a second opinion of course) all tramp up the stairs flagged by what can only be described as the Bride of Frankenstein.
The bride too, is wearing crop top and combats, DM boots but even more delightful the combats are hipsters and show off not only tattoos but also the top half of the cerise pink g-string. She starts by barging into the main room nearly sending the current bride who has an appointment flying. At which I make a rugby tackle like dive in front of the door
“Do you rent dresses?” she bellows
I try not to seem too snooty but please people, rent dresses? When have you ever heard that? I replied with “I am sorry I don’t think there are any shops in the city that HIRE their GOWNS” the mother of the bride lets out a huff and tutt and rants “we just want to look at your dresses” to which I reply “I am sorry but you need an appointment” the poor bride with an appointment is looking on bemused and terrified at the prospect of the convoy of people being ushered into the room in which she stands. “What just to look at them that’s stupid come on Kylie lets go” and they retreat slamming the door wind chimes nearly smashed into oblivion as they pass.
One very hectic Saturday, my Saturday worker is sitting around as usual either arms crossed yawning and off in her dream world or texting her mates about some lad she met. The alterations expert is in the main fitting room with yet another bride who has lost weight slowing losing patience with the amount of alteration work to be done and I am on the 2nd floor with four bridesmaids all with diferent dress styles in mind. I hear the door chimes ring and a stampede of heavy feet climb the stairs. Waiting to greet them I come face to face with “loud bride”.
Bride - “Do you have bridesmaids stuff” she shouts at ten decibels
“Yes we do but I am afraid we are fully booked today”.
Now I am not posh (ask anyone who knows me) and I am not snooty but this bride was extremely loud and extremely common I am sorry but it has to be said. She was probably about a size 26 with tattoos and piercings galore. She is not shifting so I run for some brochures and the price list. Whilst I am in the other room gathering my “get out of the shop” material I hear her delicate bellow as she looks at the size 8 svelte bride in the fitting room and says “oh you look ace in that love”. She then turns to her “husband to be” a scrawny little fellow with a scalped haircut and various tattoos to match his partner and states “that’s how thin I want to be for our wedding when I’ve had’t Baby”.
Not something you usually expect to hear in a bridal shop I try to contain myself as I shove the brochures in her hand and gesture her to the door. Really ladies please contain yourself a bridal shop is a serene place of peace and tranquillity not an episode of Jeremy Kyle.
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Piercings? Tattoos? it has to be the premaddona teenage bridesmaids.
Always super skinny, called Kylie or some other sweet femine name which doesn't quite go with the tattoo and at least a couple of piercings (always one in the tongue) and hate the thought of wearing a dress. They usually want to look as anorexic as possible pulling the bridesmaid dress into the bones.
Take one poor unfortunate of our brides who thought it would be lovely to ask her cousin who was 14 years old to be a bridesmaid. She had not seen her for years but remembered her to be a lovely pretty young girl who loved playing with Barbie’s.
The bride arrived first, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the bridesmaid with her Aunt in tow. Moments later the door slung open and crashed shut and the heavy sound of biker boots came bounding up the stairs. The bride looking quite nervous watched as the bridesmaid from hell turned the top of the stair to the main room. Complete with compulsory miserable expression and various piercings she slumped on the chair mobile phone in hand and proceeds to make strange grumbling noises as each style of dress was displayed in front of her whilst texting her friends some weird code known only to the under 16's.
Finally a dress was chosen much to her discontent and they all left the bride looking a little worse for wear. Arriving for her fitting with six inch high "street walker" style shoes she snapped at our seamstress “its not tight enough take it in” answering her mother back at all possible occasions with the usual "am I bovvered". She then exclaimed “I am having my nose pierced this week” at one point I thought the bride would faint this was all too amusing for me as in a way she was getting them back for all the rubbish I have to put up with from the bride!
Take one poor unfortunate of our brides who thought it would be lovely to ask her cousin who was 14 years old to be a bridesmaid. She had not seen her for years but remembered her to be a lovely pretty young girl who loved playing with Barbie’s.
The bride arrived first, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the bridesmaid with her Aunt in tow. Moments later the door slung open and crashed shut and the heavy sound of biker boots came bounding up the stairs. The bride looking quite nervous watched as the bridesmaid from hell turned the top of the stair to the main room. Complete with compulsory miserable expression and various piercings she slumped on the chair mobile phone in hand and proceeds to make strange grumbling noises as each style of dress was displayed in front of her whilst texting her friends some weird code known only to the under 16's.
Finally a dress was chosen much to her discontent and they all left the bride looking a little worse for wear. Arriving for her fitting with six inch high "street walker" style shoes she snapped at our seamstress “its not tight enough take it in” answering her mother back at all possible occasions with the usual "am I bovvered". She then exclaimed “I am having my nose pierced this week” at one point I thought the bride would faint this was all too amusing for me as in a way she was getting them back for all the rubbish I have to put up with from the bride!
Thursday, 20 August 2009
That David Dickinson look!
Make up and the fake tan.
The bride always wants to look her best. Often we get brides for their final fitting directly after their trip to the tanning salon glowing and pink and greasy from the tanning cream. They cannot understand our unwillingness to let them put on their gown. . Then there is that danger of sun bed tanning “the overall effect”. Take one bride who had regular visits to the tanning studio. She braved the bed in her birthday suit and was careful to be finely crisped and baked on each side. She inadvertently forgot however, to lift her arms during the process and ended up with a shocking lily white underarms which beautifully matched her dress!. Of course there is the sun worshipper but that does not come without its own risk. One of our lovely brides, a school teacher was at her school sports day. The day was a baking hot July and determined not to get those awful strap marks before her day she covered up in a white t-shirt only to find when undressing that evening she had a beautifully defined T-Shirt neckline and arms in a lovely salmon pink and lily white everywhere else, priceless!
And of course there is the “Fake tan” which is now very popular. That lovely orange glow which, for some reason, is highly fashionable these days. You can image how lovely the look as orange goes so well with the ivory. Of course it never enters their heads that fake tan can come off, you can imagine the uproar when the fake tan ends up on the lovely crisp white dress and who do you think they blame?
The bride always wants to look her best. Often we get brides for their final fitting directly after their trip to the tanning salon glowing and pink and greasy from the tanning cream. They cannot understand our unwillingness to let them put on their gown. . Then there is that danger of sun bed tanning “the overall effect”. Take one bride who had regular visits to the tanning studio. She braved the bed in her birthday suit and was careful to be finely crisped and baked on each side. She inadvertently forgot however, to lift her arms during the process and ended up with a shocking lily white underarms which beautifully matched her dress!. Of course there is the sun worshipper but that does not come without its own risk. One of our lovely brides, a school teacher was at her school sports day. The day was a baking hot July and determined not to get those awful strap marks before her day she covered up in a white t-shirt only to find when undressing that evening she had a beautifully defined T-Shirt neckline and arms in a lovely salmon pink and lily white everywhere else, priceless!
And of course there is the “Fake tan” which is now very popular. That lovely orange glow which, for some reason, is highly fashionable these days. You can image how lovely the look as orange goes so well with the ivory. Of course it never enters their heads that fake tan can come off, you can imagine the uproar when the fake tan ends up on the lovely crisp white dress and who do you think they blame?
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
"I'll sqweem and sqweem until I'm sick" - The Bratty children bridesmaids.
Many are the day I would go into the bridesmaid room to see it resembling the scene from the exorcist with small children heads spinning around projectile vomiting pea soup across the room (well maybe not the vomiting).
The sign on the door says bridal shop but to a six-year-old cherub it says play barn. Swinging from the light fittings and hiding under the dresses.
Maybe it’s because I had no children at the time, (which apparently causes most mothers of small children to tilt their heads to one side as if in sympathy of my childless existence) but I cannot stand them… well not all of them but most of them.
Most are spoilt little buggers demanding chocolate and presents for simply coming into a shop and blackmail their mothers that if they don’t get the chocolate and presents they will act up in any embarrassing manor until they do.
Mothers of course bring their children as if parading them at a Miss Pears contest awaiting the ooohs and aahhs. The trouble is underneath that glow of angelic proportions is a six year old going on sixteen with all the manners and poise of a Doberman pincher. My gut instinct at most times is to await the turn of the parents head and give the little darling a quick kick up the rear end but must hold back must stay patient.
As they try on everything in the shop the girly girls go for the tulle and proceed to swing around and thrown themselves on the floor rolling around in the dog poo and chewing gum left by the previous customers pushchair. The tomboy girls hate everything and everyone and ensure that every ones life is made a misery before they storm out of the shop only to accept the role as cherub bridesmaid if she gets the latest cartoon DVD. All small children proceed to wipe their sticky hands over everything in site whilst their mother sits in a dream like state. Only when we ask them not to dangle out of the second floor window do the mothers say “don’t do that dear” in a soft high pitched sickly tone completely ignored by the demon child.
One mother this particular week had one child who insisted on kicking our floor to ceiling mirror with the heel of his shoe. When I asked the bride to tell him to stop as it was dangerous she snapped “you shouldn’t have a mirror there if it is not safe for him to lean on”. After trying to explain that it was totally safe to lean on just not to kick the living s**t out of and that this is not a “play barn” but a wedding shop she decided to leave, much to my relief.
We are left in a war like state of disarray, floor covered with broken tiara’s rails of dresses pushed every which way and hand prints and smiley face shapes drawn into the mirrors with sticky hands. It’s a real delight every time I can assure you. When they leave the shop after being absolute little s**ts we hear their mothers saying “weren’t you good Felicity, we can go to the local burger bar now as a treat”. God bless em.
The sign on the door says bridal shop but to a six-year-old cherub it says play barn. Swinging from the light fittings and hiding under the dresses.
Maybe it’s because I had no children at the time, (which apparently causes most mothers of small children to tilt their heads to one side as if in sympathy of my childless existence) but I cannot stand them… well not all of them but most of them.
Most are spoilt little buggers demanding chocolate and presents for simply coming into a shop and blackmail their mothers that if they don’t get the chocolate and presents they will act up in any embarrassing manor until they do.
Mothers of course bring their children as if parading them at a Miss Pears contest awaiting the ooohs and aahhs. The trouble is underneath that glow of angelic proportions is a six year old going on sixteen with all the manners and poise of a Doberman pincher. My gut instinct at most times is to await the turn of the parents head and give the little darling a quick kick up the rear end but must hold back must stay patient.
As they try on everything in the shop the girly girls go for the tulle and proceed to swing around and thrown themselves on the floor rolling around in the dog poo and chewing gum left by the previous customers pushchair. The tomboy girls hate everything and everyone and ensure that every ones life is made a misery before they storm out of the shop only to accept the role as cherub bridesmaid if she gets the latest cartoon DVD. All small children proceed to wipe their sticky hands over everything in site whilst their mother sits in a dream like state. Only when we ask them not to dangle out of the second floor window do the mothers say “don’t do that dear” in a soft high pitched sickly tone completely ignored by the demon child.
One mother this particular week had one child who insisted on kicking our floor to ceiling mirror with the heel of his shoe. When I asked the bride to tell him to stop as it was dangerous she snapped “you shouldn’t have a mirror there if it is not safe for him to lean on”. After trying to explain that it was totally safe to lean on just not to kick the living s**t out of and that this is not a “play barn” but a wedding shop she decided to leave, much to my relief.
We are left in a war like state of disarray, floor covered with broken tiara’s rails of dresses pushed every which way and hand prints and smiley face shapes drawn into the mirrors with sticky hands. It’s a real delight every time I can assure you. When they leave the shop after being absolute little s**ts we hear their mothers saying “weren’t you good Felicity, we can go to the local burger bar now as a treat”. God bless em.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Is that cousin It? - The hairy bride.
Yes, amazingly, we have had quite a few Oddbodd Juniors in the shop believe me. Don’t get me wrong not waxing your legs is not a criminal offence but when you have a dead animal escaping from under your arms or even worse between your legs do you think I am going to be happy about you trying on this £2000 frock?
What always amazes me is that these gorillas from the mist seem to pluck and crimp their eyebrows, eyelashes and hair to perfection and certainly their clothes are always immaculate and nails French manicured to death so why? maybe to conserve heat or some strange turn on for the husband to be?
So there are two kinds of dress they always seem to try on in these cases …
a) the strapless showing German Shot Putter style underarm accessory very attractively framed and creating a rather fetching pair of matching rings of sweat. But even worse …
b) the slinky bias cut soft satin number which clings to every nook and cranny and if tried on too quickly static charged it attaches itself to the offending lower area as if framing it for all to see. The hope would be that in removing the item later that night she does not spontaneously combust from the static sparks.
What always amazes me is that these gorillas from the mist seem to pluck and crimp their eyebrows, eyelashes and hair to perfection and certainly their clothes are always immaculate and nails French manicured to death so why? maybe to conserve heat or some strange turn on for the husband to be?
So there are two kinds of dress they always seem to try on in these cases …
a) the strapless showing German Shot Putter style underarm accessory very attractively framed and creating a rather fetching pair of matching rings of sweat. But even worse …
b) the slinky bias cut soft satin number which clings to every nook and cranny and if tried on too quickly static charged it attaches itself to the offending lower area as if framing it for all to see. The hope would be that in removing the item later that night she does not spontaneously combust from the static sparks.
Monday, 17 August 2009
I dunno some men just give too much opinion.
We often got Grooms in the shop with the bride. I think it may be a control freak issue but they insist on viewing the dresses to give the opinion of what the bride should wear.
We have actually had two gentlemen in the shop previously that thought it necessary to stay whilst the bridesmaids were being fitting rather that go for a walk or have a cup of coffee at the shop two doors away. They sprawled across the floor and opened a bag to reveal chess set and began to play chess in the middle of the room (seriously I am not kidding folks). After well over one hour our next appointment chomping at the bit in the doorway we asked them to discuss nail polish colours and hair plaits elsewhere as our next appointment is now here and the fitting is complete. The groom looked up and snapped “she can have as much time as she likes you take you time love” at this point I was red with anger “I am sorry but she doesn’t have all the time in the world Sir (very close to saying “you Donkey head”) she has one hour and has already gone well past that”.
Embarrassed, the bridesmaid retreated to the changing room and we ushered the gentlemen out of the room. I received a telephone apology from the bride two days later.
Another Groom decided he wanted total control of how his bride would look on the big day. He began to pull the dresses off the rail grubby fingerprints all over them I politely asked him to take a seat and he would see her in them one at a time. I stood silently scowling in the corner as he subjected his poor bride to be to a barrage of insults “your arse looks huge” or “you look cheap in that” As she went into the changing room for the third time you could see she wasn’t impressed “I think I will come back with my mum” she whispered. I never saw her again I hope she didn’t marry him.
But it doesn’t stop there oh no… some men also feel the need to discuss shoes, tiaras, and veils and make up. One chap for example came for the fittings of his Brides wedding dress and I am not kidding he actually sat in front of his “bride to be” and uttered “Red Lipstick wouldn’t go with that but maybe a soft blush pink colour”. I am afraid I had to leave the room for fear of bursting out laughing.
We have actually had two gentlemen in the shop previously that thought it necessary to stay whilst the bridesmaids were being fitting rather that go for a walk or have a cup of coffee at the shop two doors away. They sprawled across the floor and opened a bag to reveal chess set and began to play chess in the middle of the room (seriously I am not kidding folks). After well over one hour our next appointment chomping at the bit in the doorway we asked them to discuss nail polish colours and hair plaits elsewhere as our next appointment is now here and the fitting is complete. The groom looked up and snapped “she can have as much time as she likes you take you time love” at this point I was red with anger “I am sorry but she doesn’t have all the time in the world Sir (very close to saying “you Donkey head”) she has one hour and has already gone well past that”.
Embarrassed, the bridesmaid retreated to the changing room and we ushered the gentlemen out of the room. I received a telephone apology from the bride two days later.
Another Groom decided he wanted total control of how his bride would look on the big day. He began to pull the dresses off the rail grubby fingerprints all over them I politely asked him to take a seat and he would see her in them one at a time. I stood silently scowling in the corner as he subjected his poor bride to be to a barrage of insults “your arse looks huge” or “you look cheap in that” As she went into the changing room for the third time you could see she wasn’t impressed “I think I will come back with my mum” she whispered. I never saw her again I hope she didn’t marry him.
But it doesn’t stop there oh no… some men also feel the need to discuss shoes, tiaras, and veils and make up. One chap for example came for the fittings of his Brides wedding dress and I am not kidding he actually sat in front of his “bride to be” and uttered “Red Lipstick wouldn’t go with that but maybe a soft blush pink colour”. I am afraid I had to leave the room for fear of bursting out laughing.
Sunday, 16 August 2009
“Monster in laws”.
This is usually a balancing act for most brides and for those we feel totally sorry for them. For what ever reason most Mother in Laws take an instant dislike to the Mother of the Bride. My son marrying into this family! Its simply horrendous. So trying to keep the peace the bride attempts to bring both parties to the viewings. I will guarantee that both disagree on styles the mother of course having the upper hand in the decision making so the Mother in Law to be soon finds her self an unwanted spectator. Sharp ones liners are exchanged with a fixed smile swathed across their faces.
It isn’t until the colours for bridesmaids are mentioned that the shit really hits the fan so to speak. Now this is a very serious decision and you cannot take it lightly as much is determined from it. Most brides have a very strong idea of bridesmaid colour but the “Mothers” see this as the most important decision of all, buggar the wedding dress the colour of the bridesmaids will determine what colour the all important “Mothers” outfits will be. Then of course what if both mothers want to wear the same colour? I am so glad I never did mother of the bride outfits and my sincerest sympathies go out to those shops. We stand in the centre of the room like talk show host giving calming and helpful comments. One mother decides to wear ice Blue “wonderful” but the mother of the Bride want to wear turquoise “oh, nice” thinking of the wonderful clashing tones as the Bride pipes up that she wants Royal Blue for the bridesmaids “oh what a wonderful array of blues” we lie through our teeth.
In my personal opinion it really doesn’t matter what colour people wear as long as it suits them, looks lovely and they feel great. The problem is people get so hung up on “the perfect look” that they forget why they are really there, to enjoy the day and watch their children get married.
It isn’t until the colours for bridesmaids are mentioned that the shit really hits the fan so to speak. Now this is a very serious decision and you cannot take it lightly as much is determined from it. Most brides have a very strong idea of bridesmaid colour but the “Mothers” see this as the most important decision of all, buggar the wedding dress the colour of the bridesmaids will determine what colour the all important “Mothers” outfits will be. Then of course what if both mothers want to wear the same colour? I am so glad I never did mother of the bride outfits and my sincerest sympathies go out to those shops. We stand in the centre of the room like talk show host giving calming and helpful comments. One mother decides to wear ice Blue “wonderful” but the mother of the Bride want to wear turquoise “oh, nice” thinking of the wonderful clashing tones as the Bride pipes up that she wants Royal Blue for the bridesmaids “oh what a wonderful array of blues” we lie through our teeth.
In my personal opinion it really doesn’t matter what colour people wear as long as it suits them, looks lovely and they feel great. The problem is people get so hung up on “the perfect look” that they forget why they are really there, to enjoy the day and watch their children get married.
Mother of the Bride from Hell?
These fall in to two categories
A - The lovely mum that is subjected to hell from the over obsessive and ill-mannered Daughter. One particularly “trying” bride came for her fitting in a really god-awful mood. You would think it would be a happy time but no, maybe it’s the time of the month, who knows? either way her mother got it right in the neck so to speak.
Bride - “I just cant stand this, its too uncomfortable I am used to wearing T-shirts”
“And the train is annoying I cant walk in this and its catching on my shoes and the veil looks all wrong”.
Now I was standing quite far back at this point away from the firing line (about two miles) but the mother made a big mistake
Mother - “perhaps you should leave it for today and come another day you are obviously not in the right frame of mind dear”
I swear to god if that bride had any sharp implement in her hand I would be in the dock as a murder witness as we speak. She let total rip into her poor mother who just stood there and took it like a sponge. She definitely deserved my award for “Most brave Mother” a true wonder of calm and patience.
Now in extreme opposition is
b) The mother herself from Hell who demands the best of everything for her Angel from Heaven Daughter for her super special Royal Wedding like day. From day one we usually get a run down of the amount of money to be spent on the day and of course the entire happiness of her daughter and the whole day rests in our hands so watch out! I usually get a full grilling by “mumsy” on where the reception is going to be and how many extremely famous people are going to the event of the century and that it will be £300 per head for the meal alone! Then just to make sure I understand the velocity of the day I receive numerous answer phone messages to call her back immediately simply so she can confirm the thing she has already confirmed three times before just to make triply sure I have it tattooed into my brain.
One mother just for example called me every single day for a whole week to check the arrival of her daughters veil. She was “very concerned” and “worried” that it had not arrived even though it wasn’t due of another three days. When it finally arrived on the exact day it was due to arrive she simply replied “oh I cant come and pick it up now I am far too busy, I will come in a couple of weeks as there is not rush, the wedding isn’t til next month”.
A - The lovely mum that is subjected to hell from the over obsessive and ill-mannered Daughter. One particularly “trying” bride came for her fitting in a really god-awful mood. You would think it would be a happy time but no, maybe it’s the time of the month, who knows? either way her mother got it right in the neck so to speak.
Bride - “I just cant stand this, its too uncomfortable I am used to wearing T-shirts”
“And the train is annoying I cant walk in this and its catching on my shoes and the veil looks all wrong”.
Now I was standing quite far back at this point away from the firing line (about two miles) but the mother made a big mistake
Mother - “perhaps you should leave it for today and come another day you are obviously not in the right frame of mind dear”
I swear to god if that bride had any sharp implement in her hand I would be in the dock as a murder witness as we speak. She let total rip into her poor mother who just stood there and took it like a sponge. She definitely deserved my award for “Most brave Mother” a true wonder of calm and patience.
Now in extreme opposition is
b) The mother herself from Hell who demands the best of everything for her Angel from Heaven Daughter for her super special Royal Wedding like day. From day one we usually get a run down of the amount of money to be spent on the day and of course the entire happiness of her daughter and the whole day rests in our hands so watch out! I usually get a full grilling by “mumsy” on where the reception is going to be and how many extremely famous people are going to the event of the century and that it will be £300 per head for the meal alone! Then just to make sure I understand the velocity of the day I receive numerous answer phone messages to call her back immediately simply so she can confirm the thing she has already confirmed three times before just to make triply sure I have it tattooed into my brain.
One mother just for example called me every single day for a whole week to check the arrival of her daughters veil. She was “very concerned” and “worried” that it had not arrived even though it wasn’t due of another three days. When it finally arrived on the exact day it was due to arrive she simply replied “oh I cant come and pick it up now I am far too busy, I will come in a couple of weeks as there is not rush, the wedding isn’t til next month”.
Saturday, 15 August 2009
“Those are your bones dear we cant take it in any more”.
We tried our best to make brides look svelte taking in as much as possible without subjecting the entire body to either blocking of circulation or transfer of fat to other areas i.e. above or below the dress line. Once you have hit a bone there really isn’t any more you can do I am afraid unless you are considering Amputation? The weight loss issue is a long and frustrating one.
We have had a delightful bride that came for her first fitting on her gown, the fit was surprisingly good actually, which is quite rare as there is always something to tweak.
Bride - “Can you take the skirt in?”
Puzzled we pinned the skirt where she wanted
Bride - “oh yes that’s much better”
“Good, now have a try at walking about”
Its was quite entertaining I can tell you, a bit like when your older brother hides under the table and ties your shoe laces together so when you stand up to walk away you take half a step and fall flat on your face, I always remember that being a really hilarious one in our house.
Trying my hardest to cover my grin she waddled like Pingu from one side of the room to the other
Bride - “I think I will be ok” (she lied).
I couldn’t believe it surely she didn’t want to walk down the aisle like that?
“Try sitting down” (now this should be good).
Contorting sideways in a strange “S” shape she drops from standing to sitting position in one quick move.
“And getting up again”
She starts by heaving her pelvic muscles forward as if six months pregnant but this does not offer enough leverage and she bouces back on the sofa cushions her arms flaying about in a not so ladylike fashion. In the end her mother lends a hand to pull her up to a vertical from horizontal position.
Amazingly she seems to think that walking as if she had a haemorrhoid problem didn’t pose a problem. We take the skirt in much against our wishes and numerous declarations of “if it’s too tight” or “if it rips we have warned you!” so we will wait and see how the day goes and await the complaint letter when she claims we made the skirt too tight, sigh. Brides seem to be under the illusion that the tighter the fit the slimmer you look. Ladies this is not the case as to show every lump and bump and to be able to see if you have a brazilian wax is not the most flattering of fits.
A bride we had recently claimed her dress was too loose and she wanted it at least an inch tighter. We did advise that to take it in an inch would mean she won’t be able to button it up but she was adamant. Ok we said give us a couple of days and come back for a final fitting. Now this dress fit perfectly, she didn’t bulge over it and the bodice fit like a glove. Any tighter and the bones in the dress were likely to give way so we tried a little test, naughty I know but effective. A couple of days later the bride returned for her final fitting on buttoning the gown she smiled delightfully
Bride - “that’s so much better thank you so much”
Turning from side to side in the mirror
Bride - “I cant believe how much better it feels and looks I hope it didn’t take you long, do I owe you anything?”
We smile graciously
“Oh no don’t worry we are just pleased you are happy”.
So there she goes one very happy customer with a perfectly fitting dress, totally the same shape and size and unaltered from her first fitting, its magic I guess.
We have had a delightful bride that came for her first fitting on her gown, the fit was surprisingly good actually, which is quite rare as there is always something to tweak.
Bride - “Can you take the skirt in?”
Puzzled we pinned the skirt where she wanted
Bride - “oh yes that’s much better”
“Good, now have a try at walking about”
Its was quite entertaining I can tell you, a bit like when your older brother hides under the table and ties your shoe laces together so when you stand up to walk away you take half a step and fall flat on your face, I always remember that being a really hilarious one in our house.
Trying my hardest to cover my grin she waddled like Pingu from one side of the room to the other
Bride - “I think I will be ok” (she lied).
I couldn’t believe it surely she didn’t want to walk down the aisle like that?
“Try sitting down” (now this should be good).
Contorting sideways in a strange “S” shape she drops from standing to sitting position in one quick move.
“And getting up again”
She starts by heaving her pelvic muscles forward as if six months pregnant but this does not offer enough leverage and she bouces back on the sofa cushions her arms flaying about in a not so ladylike fashion. In the end her mother lends a hand to pull her up to a vertical from horizontal position.
Amazingly she seems to think that walking as if she had a haemorrhoid problem didn’t pose a problem. We take the skirt in much against our wishes and numerous declarations of “if it’s too tight” or “if it rips we have warned you!” so we will wait and see how the day goes and await the complaint letter when she claims we made the skirt too tight, sigh. Brides seem to be under the illusion that the tighter the fit the slimmer you look. Ladies this is not the case as to show every lump and bump and to be able to see if you have a brazilian wax is not the most flattering of fits.
A bride we had recently claimed her dress was too loose and she wanted it at least an inch tighter. We did advise that to take it in an inch would mean she won’t be able to button it up but she was adamant. Ok we said give us a couple of days and come back for a final fitting. Now this dress fit perfectly, she didn’t bulge over it and the bodice fit like a glove. Any tighter and the bones in the dress were likely to give way so we tried a little test, naughty I know but effective. A couple of days later the bride returned for her final fitting on buttoning the gown she smiled delightfully
Bride - “that’s so much better thank you so much”
Turning from side to side in the mirror
Bride - “I cant believe how much better it feels and looks I hope it didn’t take you long, do I owe you anything?”
We smile graciously
“Oh no don’t worry we are just pleased you are happy”.
So there she goes one very happy customer with a perfectly fitting dress, totally the same shape and size and unaltered from her first fitting, its magic I guess.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
“It’s a corset dear not a suit of armour”.
So the wedding has gone without a hitch the weather was lovely. Then out of the blue you get a telephone call some four weeks later from the brides’ mother asking why the dress creased when the bride sat down.
Mother - “It had a corset so it should not crease”
The unfortunate age that we are in i.e. Not medieval means that corsets are there to hold you firm but not so that you have no ability to move or indeed avoid a sword into the heart from a passing Celt. Fabric creases it’s a fact I am afraid and if you bend over at 45 degrees can you expect your dress to withstand that?
Mother – “I want compensation for that fact the dress creased at the waist when my daughter bent over to pick her baby up. And it was creased when she got out of the MG midget car she booked for the journey from the church”
I bet she would like me to pay for it being cleaned while I am at it because clearly not only do wedding dresses not crease (apparently) they also should not get dirty when someone spills wine and gravy on them or the groom stamps his size 9 imprint on the train?.
So now we have to go through more legal rigmarole stating that the dress is not a suit of armour to every bride that comes to us and that if they want to bend that’s ok but don’t try and do a backward flip in the dress as this might crease it. I mean that’s what were here for stating the bloody obvious it seems.
Mother - “It had a corset so it should not crease”
The unfortunate age that we are in i.e. Not medieval means that corsets are there to hold you firm but not so that you have no ability to move or indeed avoid a sword into the heart from a passing Celt. Fabric creases it’s a fact I am afraid and if you bend over at 45 degrees can you expect your dress to withstand that?
Mother – “I want compensation for that fact the dress creased at the waist when my daughter bent over to pick her baby up. And it was creased when she got out of the MG midget car she booked for the journey from the church”
I bet she would like me to pay for it being cleaned while I am at it because clearly not only do wedding dresses not crease (apparently) they also should not get dirty when someone spills wine and gravy on them or the groom stamps his size 9 imprint on the train?.
So now we have to go through more legal rigmarole stating that the dress is not a suit of armour to every bride that comes to us and that if they want to bend that’s ok but don’t try and do a backward flip in the dress as this might crease it. I mean that’s what were here for stating the bloody obvious it seems.
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
“I want a wedding dress but I want to be able to wear it again”.
Yes we hear this one a lot, customers who want the glamorous feel and be able to create the “wow” factor but they cannot justify spending money on a wedding dress as they want to be able to wear it again for parties or clubbing and they need the money to block pave their drive. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind this as I can see their point of course its as important to block pave your drive as it is to get married, however, it does baffle me when they come to choose styles …
“So you would like to be able to wear it again so you would like a dress without a train?”
Bride - “Oh yes I really want a train, it wouldn’t be a wedding dress without one”
“Oh ok, but you probably don’t want white or ivory then”
Bride - “Well I have toyed with the idea of colours but really do want an ivory dress”
Bride – “Oh and I would like a lot of sparkle on the bodice and skirt too”
So let me get this straight you want a full wedding gown with train and all the weddingy trimmings but you want to be able to wear it again for clubbing… purlease. Don’t get me wrong I do understand wedding dresses are expensive things but please ladies if you want to wear it again don’t get huffy when we suggest you try a cheaper shop. You cant expect me to provide you with a “miracle wonder woman dress” that looks like a mile mannered wedding gown one minute and if you spin on the spot it changes miraculously to a knee length red evening frock.
Bride – “Maybe I could dye it afterwards?”
You really don’t see enough full-length evening gowns with full length cathedral trains do you. Beautifully dyed in a mucky pink because there wasn’t enough red dye in the washing machine to cover the whole dress and with patches of darker pink round stains where “Uncle John” spilt his lager over you at the reception Disco. And don’t forget all those lovely crystals and beads you insisted on having which are now either hanging off by threads or coloured a lovely shade of cerise.
“So you would like to be able to wear it again so you would like a dress without a train?”
Bride - “Oh yes I really want a train, it wouldn’t be a wedding dress without one”
“Oh ok, but you probably don’t want white or ivory then”
Bride - “Well I have toyed with the idea of colours but really do want an ivory dress”
Bride – “Oh and I would like a lot of sparkle on the bodice and skirt too”
So let me get this straight you want a full wedding gown with train and all the weddingy trimmings but you want to be able to wear it again for clubbing… purlease. Don’t get me wrong I do understand wedding dresses are expensive things but please ladies if you want to wear it again don’t get huffy when we suggest you try a cheaper shop. You cant expect me to provide you with a “miracle wonder woman dress” that looks like a mile mannered wedding gown one minute and if you spin on the spot it changes miraculously to a knee length red evening frock.
Bride – “Maybe I could dye it afterwards?”
You really don’t see enough full-length evening gowns with full length cathedral trains do you. Beautifully dyed in a mucky pink because there wasn’t enough red dye in the washing machine to cover the whole dress and with patches of darker pink round stains where “Uncle John” spilt his lager over you at the reception Disco. And don’t forget all those lovely crystals and beads you insisted on having which are now either hanging off by threads or coloured a lovely shade of cerise.
Monday, 10 August 2009
Hips and Bums
Along with the g-string comes the absolutely huge rear end and not just the rear but the side too. Hips are definitely “in” this season and boy are they huge! And what does every large hipped bride want to wear? Bias cut slinky style of course.
Now we are very discreet and try our best to accommodate but please, how to emphasise your hugeness in one easy step? Fit something really tight over it.
You can usually spot these brides a mile off as they arrive for their appointment in hipster style Jeans with bootleg shaped trousers and of course the statutory G-String. Picture the scene, you are very hippy and very amply arsed so what do you wear? A pair of trousers that cut right across your posterior viewing the entire girth and curving right over the shape of the hips to pin like knees and spindly calves, beautiful!
I am not quite sure what she sees when she looks in the mirror, Kylie or Kate perhaps? But it is quite scary to see all that shape in its entirety.
Our Mantra is …
“hide the worst bits and show of the best”
But in these brides cases clearly not as they pull out a very slinky number claiming “this would look good on me wont it mum” at which point the mother looks scared and heads toward the tiara’s and veils for security.
Now I don’t like to be rude (well not all the time) I do however like to think that when a bride says she has bought her dress from us the congregation does not say, “if I get married we’ll avoid that shop like the plague”. So we try to be as honest as possible without hurting feelings and having a screaming banshee rush from the shop.
Sometimes the hips and bum can cause an even more embarrassing problem actually getting into the samples. Sometimes we can be deceived by a brides normal flattering clothes and what looks like a normal shaped bride with a lovely swaying skirt can actually be hiding something much more underneath. We don’t see the depth of the problem until she actually undresses and tries to slip her ample thighs into the dress and gets stuck! Many a time I have said “don’t worry dear that isn’t the dress ripping it’s the Velcro”.
Now we are very discreet and try our best to accommodate but please, how to emphasise your hugeness in one easy step? Fit something really tight over it.
You can usually spot these brides a mile off as they arrive for their appointment in hipster style Jeans with bootleg shaped trousers and of course the statutory G-String. Picture the scene, you are very hippy and very amply arsed so what do you wear? A pair of trousers that cut right across your posterior viewing the entire girth and curving right over the shape of the hips to pin like knees and spindly calves, beautiful!
I am not quite sure what she sees when she looks in the mirror, Kylie or Kate perhaps? But it is quite scary to see all that shape in its entirety.
Our Mantra is …
“hide the worst bits and show of the best”
But in these brides cases clearly not as they pull out a very slinky number claiming “this would look good on me wont it mum” at which point the mother looks scared and heads toward the tiara’s and veils for security.
Now I don’t like to be rude (well not all the time) I do however like to think that when a bride says she has bought her dress from us the congregation does not say, “if I get married we’ll avoid that shop like the plague”. So we try to be as honest as possible without hurting feelings and having a screaming banshee rush from the shop.
Sometimes the hips and bum can cause an even more embarrassing problem actually getting into the samples. Sometimes we can be deceived by a brides normal flattering clothes and what looks like a normal shaped bride with a lovely swaying skirt can actually be hiding something much more underneath. We don’t see the depth of the problem until she actually undresses and tries to slip her ample thighs into the dress and gets stuck! Many a time I have said “don’t worry dear that isn’t the dress ripping it’s the Velcro”.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
G-Strings (of the lingerie not guitar variety)
I mean what is it with g-strings? Was there a special g-string initiation party, which I missed in the nineties, which said “yes ladies no matter what size and shape you are you must wear g-string knickers and especially when you are about to get your kit off to try on a wedding dress. They are totally gross and are usually ornamented with butterfly or Chinese writing tattoo on their protruding posterior.
Picture the scene…. I, your ever-helpful bridal shop owner assist you in viewing the range of top designer bridal wear then escort you and the dress of your choice into the changing room. Unfortunately for me you have chosen the very large full gown with the inner corset with lace up straps. We chat cheerily as you undress and low and behold what meets my eyes as you bend over to remove your Jeans? A big fat arse with a cheese wire right up the middle…. Oh Joy.
Now I don’t have to paint much more of a picture I am sure …. But I am going to. You have delicately stepped into this rather expensive silk gown and before I can button you into it I have to lace up an inner corset to pull you in tight with the laces to deceptively show off your invisible curves. But alas what happens to the end of the laces when I have finished pulling in your waist? Believe me it is allot like hunt the thimble when we come to take off the gown as the lace disappears down the same place as the g-string ended up.
Then you have the bride that wants the sleek and shapely “Hollywood red carpet” dress, a beautiful creation but you can guarantee the bride that want to wear it is always the bride with the large behind ever so slightly larger with more cellulite.
Now ladies can I point out that a G-String unlike those wonderful fuller style knickers do not actually give that excess baggage any support and it really isn’t fetching to view a slinky dress with two wobbling masses bringing up the rear complete with cheese wire v.p.l. I have a test for you if you have a tummy stand up straight and look down at your feet. If you need to hold your breath and suck in to see your pinkies G-strings are not really a great look on you, think of gravity what will happen to those aching stomach muscles in years to come when they have been subjected to the droop, pelvic floor dear pelvic floor you don’t want to have the worry of what will happen when you laugh now do you.
Picture the scene…. I, your ever-helpful bridal shop owner assist you in viewing the range of top designer bridal wear then escort you and the dress of your choice into the changing room. Unfortunately for me you have chosen the very large full gown with the inner corset with lace up straps. We chat cheerily as you undress and low and behold what meets my eyes as you bend over to remove your Jeans? A big fat arse with a cheese wire right up the middle…. Oh Joy.
Now I don’t have to paint much more of a picture I am sure …. But I am going to. You have delicately stepped into this rather expensive silk gown and before I can button you into it I have to lace up an inner corset to pull you in tight with the laces to deceptively show off your invisible curves. But alas what happens to the end of the laces when I have finished pulling in your waist? Believe me it is allot like hunt the thimble when we come to take off the gown as the lace disappears down the same place as the g-string ended up.
Then you have the bride that wants the sleek and shapely “Hollywood red carpet” dress, a beautiful creation but you can guarantee the bride that want to wear it is always the bride with the large behind ever so slightly larger with more cellulite.
Now ladies can I point out that a G-String unlike those wonderful fuller style knickers do not actually give that excess baggage any support and it really isn’t fetching to view a slinky dress with two wobbling masses bringing up the rear complete with cheese wire v.p.l. I have a test for you if you have a tummy stand up straight and look down at your feet. If you need to hold your breath and suck in to see your pinkies G-strings are not really a great look on you, think of gravity what will happen to those aching stomach muscles in years to come when they have been subjected to the droop, pelvic floor dear pelvic floor you don’t want to have the worry of what will happen when you laugh now do you.
Weighty issue?
Loss of weight
The Obvious type of bride you would think of course all brides want to lose weight but their ever-obsessive goals are annoying beyond belief. I would guarantee you that if we measured a bride for her dress four days before it arrived she would still find time to lose a further four inches.
Bride – “Well that’s no problem is it you can just take it in?”
Oh yes of course I will just take this bodice off this skirt, remove the petticoat, undo the lining remove the beading and crystalling intricately added to the bodice and then take it in and put it all back, a simple ten minute job.
I must admit I was of the crowd of bewildered in the beginning that to take in a dress just meant sewing up the inside a bit more but alas this is not the case, unless of course you want side wings on your dress or some great big clump of fabric digging into your sides. We had a most fabulous lady that altered the gowns for us she is worth her weight in gold and quite frankly I could not pay her as much as she is worth (luckily she was my mum).
Of course the bride wants to look her best but I can see a grey hair appear as if by magic every time another bride comes in with a long tail of how she can’t possibly have lost any more weight because she has been eating Mars Bars every day to ensure she hasn’t. This is of course not to boast, as they would sincerely love to boast about the two stone that she has lost but simply to avoid the £50 alteration charge. We of course then use the magic measuring tape, as it is wafted across her ever reducing body.
Bride - “Your measurements must been wrong” I haven’t lost any weight my jeans still fit the same”.
Ah yes that wonderful measurement device “jeans” they always come into play when a girl is lying about her size. Jeans are used as a very accurate weight loss tool surely you knew this. Jeans for example do not stretch to fit oh no and they certainly don’t shrink back after washing. So of course the aid of the trusty Jeans can give you a pinpoint accuracy to weight fluctuation. So now we are subjected to a barrage of accusations that we are liars and cheats all because of a £50 alteration charge. May I remind you that the average cost of a wedding is around £15,000 so as you can image £50 is a lot of money in the whole scheme of things and quite frankly do you think we can be bothered altering measurements simply to make £50 measly quid for five hours work?
Gain of weight
You wouldn’t think it possible would you? I mean the first words on every girls lips that come into the shop are “well I am going to lose some weight” we nod and smile smugly in the knowledge of many others before her who have said the same and returned exactly the same size.
The culprit? a new daily venture in every brides pre marriage timetable “the gym” you know the one, that wonderful place that tones and slims…. No that wonderful place that tones and builds muscle.
Take for example a pretty but slightly larger size 18 lady who has spent months at the gym and enthusiastically swimming length after length in the pool desperate to lose those extra inches and excessively using the weights to tone her ample shape. Unfortunately because of the amount of, ahem, excess baggage so to speak she actually gains three inches around her midriff in muscle tone, oh what joy another dress to alter. Her horror and disbelief snapping we are surely mistaken as she had lost 4 lbs on the scales were laid to rest with our magic measuring tape! One quick twist of the tape around her middle and our proof was in the bag.
You see the keen bridal owner will have fallen for every trick in the book until turning into Sherlock Holmes style detective. All avenues of possible deceit have to be covered in advance the main avenue being the measuring. For many years we have worked in a lapsodasical way simply measuring, sizing and ordering, yes how very blasé of us. But alas this made way for the deceptive brides who lost or gained weight then swore blind that they hadn’t and we must surely be mistaken and ordered the wrong size. So we now work in a strategic military like fashion measuring exactly and then to cover our backs so to speak get the bride to sign her name against the proof of her girth. Yes we agree is totally ridiculous but sadly necessary. So when she comes to her fitting 4 inches heavier we can smugly point to her original measurements complete with her moniker and watch whilst she red faced confesses all of the secret binges of chocolate orange bars and sponge cake. I was actually considering going one step further and video taping the evidence to replay when the dress arrives, well, maybe not but clever idea don’t you think
Of course there are those other brides that put on weight round their tummies, increasing by each appointment. Now do we say it? Or is it rude? I mean there could be some girls out there that wear white because indeed they are the virginal brides they are supposed to be. In the end after countless alterations including additions of extra side panels we ask
“Could there be any possibility you may be pregnant?” (Always in a very quiet and apologetic tone)….
Bride - “absolutely no way!”
Low and behold a week later the bride comes in rather embarrassed stating her mistake and is there any way we can hide a four month bump?
Obsessed with weight bride.
Whether to lose weight or gain weight all brides have one thing in common obsession with their shape. I can’t tell you how I feel for all those size 10 girls when they complain about their non-existent flabby stomach. They sway and prance in front of the full length mirror smugly in the knowledge of their near perfect shape. Trying to ignore them they, missing the usual adoration they are obviously used to, claim “look at my bulges” to which of course they expect the usual “what bulges you look wonderful” however at the total insanity of the remark I reply “don’t worry you don’t notice them in that design”. Having not received the usual reply the bride looks worriedly into the mirror searching for the evidence of early middle age spread as I walk casually into the other room. They are now convinced I have seen something they can’t and quiz me on the areas of which its hiding. Smiling I reply “oh you know your really huge bottom, wide thighs etc.” realising I was taking the piss instead of being annoyed and thus storming out from the shop, looks relieved and continues to strut in front of the mirror with smugness whilst her mother looks on rolling her eyes.
The Obvious type of bride you would think of course all brides want to lose weight but their ever-obsessive goals are annoying beyond belief. I would guarantee you that if we measured a bride for her dress four days before it arrived she would still find time to lose a further four inches.
Bride – “Well that’s no problem is it you can just take it in?”
Oh yes of course I will just take this bodice off this skirt, remove the petticoat, undo the lining remove the beading and crystalling intricately added to the bodice and then take it in and put it all back, a simple ten minute job.
I must admit I was of the crowd of bewildered in the beginning that to take in a dress just meant sewing up the inside a bit more but alas this is not the case, unless of course you want side wings on your dress or some great big clump of fabric digging into your sides. We had a most fabulous lady that altered the gowns for us she is worth her weight in gold and quite frankly I could not pay her as much as she is worth (luckily she was my mum).
Of course the bride wants to look her best but I can see a grey hair appear as if by magic every time another bride comes in with a long tail of how she can’t possibly have lost any more weight because she has been eating Mars Bars every day to ensure she hasn’t. This is of course not to boast, as they would sincerely love to boast about the two stone that she has lost but simply to avoid the £50 alteration charge. We of course then use the magic measuring tape, as it is wafted across her ever reducing body.
Bride - “Your measurements must been wrong” I haven’t lost any weight my jeans still fit the same”.
Ah yes that wonderful measurement device “jeans” they always come into play when a girl is lying about her size. Jeans are used as a very accurate weight loss tool surely you knew this. Jeans for example do not stretch to fit oh no and they certainly don’t shrink back after washing. So of course the aid of the trusty Jeans can give you a pinpoint accuracy to weight fluctuation. So now we are subjected to a barrage of accusations that we are liars and cheats all because of a £50 alteration charge. May I remind you that the average cost of a wedding is around £15,000 so as you can image £50 is a lot of money in the whole scheme of things and quite frankly do you think we can be bothered altering measurements simply to make £50 measly quid for five hours work?
Gain of weight
You wouldn’t think it possible would you? I mean the first words on every girls lips that come into the shop are “well I am going to lose some weight” we nod and smile smugly in the knowledge of many others before her who have said the same and returned exactly the same size.
The culprit? a new daily venture in every brides pre marriage timetable “the gym” you know the one, that wonderful place that tones and slims…. No that wonderful place that tones and builds muscle.
Take for example a pretty but slightly larger size 18 lady who has spent months at the gym and enthusiastically swimming length after length in the pool desperate to lose those extra inches and excessively using the weights to tone her ample shape. Unfortunately because of the amount of, ahem, excess baggage so to speak she actually gains three inches around her midriff in muscle tone, oh what joy another dress to alter. Her horror and disbelief snapping we are surely mistaken as she had lost 4 lbs on the scales were laid to rest with our magic measuring tape! One quick twist of the tape around her middle and our proof was in the bag.
You see the keen bridal owner will have fallen for every trick in the book until turning into Sherlock Holmes style detective. All avenues of possible deceit have to be covered in advance the main avenue being the measuring. For many years we have worked in a lapsodasical way simply measuring, sizing and ordering, yes how very blasé of us. But alas this made way for the deceptive brides who lost or gained weight then swore blind that they hadn’t and we must surely be mistaken and ordered the wrong size. So we now work in a strategic military like fashion measuring exactly and then to cover our backs so to speak get the bride to sign her name against the proof of her girth. Yes we agree is totally ridiculous but sadly necessary. So when she comes to her fitting 4 inches heavier we can smugly point to her original measurements complete with her moniker and watch whilst she red faced confesses all of the secret binges of chocolate orange bars and sponge cake. I was actually considering going one step further and video taping the evidence to replay when the dress arrives, well, maybe not but clever idea don’t you think
Of course there are those other brides that put on weight round their tummies, increasing by each appointment. Now do we say it? Or is it rude? I mean there could be some girls out there that wear white because indeed they are the virginal brides they are supposed to be. In the end after countless alterations including additions of extra side panels we ask
“Could there be any possibility you may be pregnant?” (Always in a very quiet and apologetic tone)….
Bride - “absolutely no way!”
Low and behold a week later the bride comes in rather embarrassed stating her mistake and is there any way we can hide a four month bump?
Obsessed with weight bride.
Whether to lose weight or gain weight all brides have one thing in common obsession with their shape. I can’t tell you how I feel for all those size 10 girls when they complain about their non-existent flabby stomach. They sway and prance in front of the full length mirror smugly in the knowledge of their near perfect shape. Trying to ignore them they, missing the usual adoration they are obviously used to, claim “look at my bulges” to which of course they expect the usual “what bulges you look wonderful” however at the total insanity of the remark I reply “don’t worry you don’t notice them in that design”. Having not received the usual reply the bride looks worriedly into the mirror searching for the evidence of early middle age spread as I walk casually into the other room. They are now convinced I have seen something they can’t and quiz me on the areas of which its hiding. Smiling I reply “oh you know your really huge bottom, wide thighs etc.” realising I was taking the piss instead of being annoyed and thus storming out from the shop, looks relieved and continues to strut in front of the mirror with smugness whilst her mother looks on rolling her eyes.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Bras and boobs
Yes its official they are getting bigger and bigger and what does every girl want to wear with those double-F cup bazookas? Yes, you guessed it, a strapless dress of course.
They usually arrive for their viewing in a soft T-shirt style wireless bra with their chests dropping to knee level. Don’t they realise that in twenty years that there proudly displayed chest will droop to floor in cavewoman type fashion? So we politely ask them to lift their bust up from the floor and into the cup of the dress, which follows with them lifting our dress. “No not the dress dear your boobs” with a bewildered look which proves that they have never ever lifted their bust into the correct above navel position they wriggle the dress down again “no dear put your hands in the dress and lift up your bust” at which point I wish I could get in their and move them myself in baking bread fashion. Finally the penny drops and the bust are levered into position, which amazingly creates a waist hurrah!
Bride - “Oh don’t I look slim in this?”
They exclaim it with glee at which point I wish to reply ”that’s because we can see your waist past your bust now dear” but as always I hold back the sarcasm. So now with bust surprised into natural position she stomps unladylike into the main room with mother tearfully looking on wishing we could always dress daughter to ensure bust is not scraping floor in later years.
We had one of these delightful ladies in recently with her ample FF boobs. She was adamant that she wanted a bias cut soft satin gown with a bare back with shoestring straps. Trying to explain that she would not be able to wear a bra with this slinky number was rebuffed with
“that’s not a problem I can wear those stick on bra cups”
Now I don’t think they realised that the stick on cups are not magic! They can’t defy gravity by lifting anything up they just cover any evidence of a cold winters day (if you see what I mean) so I really can’t imagine the look of double FF boobs drooping down to the waist in slinky dress. I politely showed her the door.
Then of course there is the opposite end of the spectrum the under endowed these lovely ladies that do not have to be coaxed into a bust cup but which need that extra wadding to fill in the large gaps.
Our secret weapon is actually the shoulder pad a wonderful tool for packing out the less fortunate bust. Believe me this is a much safer tool as it avoids any possibly embarrassing moments in front of the alter where chicken filets have been known to end up on the floor being chased down the aisle much to the dismay of the vicar and hilarity of the congregation. We also avoid the use of bust cups, thus avoiding the horror when your nearest and dearest hugs you tightly and steps away to display two indented holes where your boobs should of been. So thanks to the 1980’s shoulder pads are back in fashion! just slightly slipped.
They usually arrive for their viewing in a soft T-shirt style wireless bra with their chests dropping to knee level. Don’t they realise that in twenty years that there proudly displayed chest will droop to floor in cavewoman type fashion? So we politely ask them to lift their bust up from the floor and into the cup of the dress, which follows with them lifting our dress. “No not the dress dear your boobs” with a bewildered look which proves that they have never ever lifted their bust into the correct above navel position they wriggle the dress down again “no dear put your hands in the dress and lift up your bust” at which point I wish I could get in their and move them myself in baking bread fashion. Finally the penny drops and the bust are levered into position, which amazingly creates a waist hurrah!
Bride - “Oh don’t I look slim in this?”
They exclaim it with glee at which point I wish to reply ”that’s because we can see your waist past your bust now dear” but as always I hold back the sarcasm. So now with bust surprised into natural position she stomps unladylike into the main room with mother tearfully looking on wishing we could always dress daughter to ensure bust is not scraping floor in later years.
We had one of these delightful ladies in recently with her ample FF boobs. She was adamant that she wanted a bias cut soft satin gown with a bare back with shoestring straps. Trying to explain that she would not be able to wear a bra with this slinky number was rebuffed with
“that’s not a problem I can wear those stick on bra cups”
Now I don’t think they realised that the stick on cups are not magic! They can’t defy gravity by lifting anything up they just cover any evidence of a cold winters day (if you see what I mean) so I really can’t imagine the look of double FF boobs drooping down to the waist in slinky dress. I politely showed her the door.
Then of course there is the opposite end of the spectrum the under endowed these lovely ladies that do not have to be coaxed into a bust cup but which need that extra wadding to fill in the large gaps.
Our secret weapon is actually the shoulder pad a wonderful tool for packing out the less fortunate bust. Believe me this is a much safer tool as it avoids any possibly embarrassing moments in front of the alter where chicken filets have been known to end up on the floor being chased down the aisle much to the dismay of the vicar and hilarity of the congregation. We also avoid the use of bust cups, thus avoiding the horror when your nearest and dearest hugs you tightly and steps away to display two indented holes where your boobs should of been. So thanks to the 1980’s shoulder pads are back in fashion! just slightly slipped.
Types of Bride and their funny little ways !
It is hard to know where to start so please accept my apologies if I babble. I think I will start with the diferent types of brides and the kind of problems we seemed to encounter on a daily basis.
So where to start!
Ok so I have decided to start my rants where they all began... in my shop. After 10 years it closed last year but it was definately an experience I will remember for my whole lifetime.
Weddings are supposed to be loving and happy occasions filled with excitement. However be warned as for the bridal shop owner it can be tear your hair out, nervous breakdowns and hysterical laughter through sheer mental exhaustion. You will be subjected to such things as screaming fits, fainting, obsessive compulsives to name just a few.
Its not that I am a bitter twisted old spinster and certainly not a man hater as I myself am very happily married to a lovely guy. I must warn you however to get the insight into this strange world that is “Wedding” can only be made by the strong and not for the feint hearted.
I was a bridal shop owner for ten years. If you are getting married my advice is read this then maybe just maybe you will the one in a million “angel” customers and will learn from all the control freaks before you. I want to give you an insight and warnings of what lies ahead as you walk the path towards your wedding day in the hope that you can do it with all hairs still attached to your scalp in a calm and dignified manner.
If you are completely deranged and think it’s a really cute idea to open a wedding shop because “it must be soooo lovely dealing with all those happy brides” after reading this you may, if you are sensible change your mind and take the easier option and work as a Prison Warden or psychiatric Nurse.
So with all this in mind what prompted the move to start my own business? Mostly a complex against authority figures? Working to my own timetable? Probably. I started up working for myself about fifteen years ago and did really love it at first but the more you expand the trickier it gets and the louder and more obnoxious the customer. Little did I know what I would encounter on the way and pressure … what pressure.
This blog is not for the feint hearted be warned, I will be subjecting you to the horrors of VPL, fat thighs and G-Strings not to mention the horror of the Demon teenage bridesmaid, yes this is really scary stuff. If you are ready and willing to start your search into the wedding world read on and learn from those before you.
Weddings are supposed to be loving and happy occasions filled with excitement. However be warned as for the bridal shop owner it can be tear your hair out, nervous breakdowns and hysterical laughter through sheer mental exhaustion. You will be subjected to such things as screaming fits, fainting, obsessive compulsives to name just a few.
Its not that I am a bitter twisted old spinster and certainly not a man hater as I myself am very happily married to a lovely guy. I must warn you however to get the insight into this strange world that is “Wedding” can only be made by the strong and not for the feint hearted.
I was a bridal shop owner for ten years. If you are getting married my advice is read this then maybe just maybe you will the one in a million “angel” customers and will learn from all the control freaks before you. I want to give you an insight and warnings of what lies ahead as you walk the path towards your wedding day in the hope that you can do it with all hairs still attached to your scalp in a calm and dignified manner.
If you are completely deranged and think it’s a really cute idea to open a wedding shop because “it must be soooo lovely dealing with all those happy brides” after reading this you may, if you are sensible change your mind and take the easier option and work as a Prison Warden or psychiatric Nurse.
So with all this in mind what prompted the move to start my own business? Mostly a complex against authority figures? Working to my own timetable? Probably. I started up working for myself about fifteen years ago and did really love it at first but the more you expand the trickier it gets and the louder and more obnoxious the customer. Little did I know what I would encounter on the way and pressure … what pressure.
This blog is not for the feint hearted be warned, I will be subjecting you to the horrors of VPL, fat thighs and G-Strings not to mention the horror of the Demon teenage bridesmaid, yes this is really scary stuff. If you are ready and willing to start your search into the wedding world read on and learn from those before you.
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Hello and welcome to my new Blog.
Hello and welcome to my new Blog.
As the title suggests I am Mand and I like to rant!
My husband is getting fed up listening to me shout at the TV or go "off on one" so I have set up this site to air my views and let off steam.
Enjoy!
Mand x
My husband is getting fed up listening to me shout at the TV or go "off on one" so I have set up this site to air my views and let off steam.
Enjoy!
Mand x
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