Picture the scene, its Saturday, the day in the week when every bride wants to go around and choose her wedding dress. Most sensible girls with an IQ level higher than a goldfish realise that on a busy day an appointment would be an advantage. With a diary full of appointments we hear the door chimes clank and a parade of stomping feet climb the stairs.
It takes some time because as you would expect the usual pram and pushchair cavalcade follow along with teenager from hell, cherub/devil flower girl, matron of honour dressed in combats, crop top, short spiky hair bleached blond and black displaying interesting tattoos and a collection of gold hoop earrings up each ear as well as one in her nose. A mother, mother in law, Auntie, Grandmother and friend (for a second opinion of course) all tramp up the stairs flagged by what can only be described as the Bride of Frankenstein.
The bride too, is wearing crop top and combats, DM boots but even more delightful the combats are hipsters and show off not only tattoos but also the top half of the cerise pink g-string. She starts by barging into the main room nearly sending the current bride who has an appointment flying. At which I make a rugby tackle like dive in front of the door
“Do you rent dresses?” she bellows
I try not to seem too snooty but please people, rent dresses? When have you ever heard that? I replied with “I am sorry I don’t think there are any shops in the city that HIRE their GOWNS” the mother of the bride lets out a huff and tutt and rants “we just want to look at your dresses” to which I reply “I am sorry but you need an appointment” the poor bride with an appointment is looking on bemused and terrified at the prospect of the convoy of people being ushered into the room in which she stands. “What just to look at them that’s stupid come on Kylie lets go” and they retreat slamming the door wind chimes nearly smashed into oblivion as they pass.
One very hectic Saturday, my Saturday worker is sitting around as usual either arms crossed yawning and off in her dream world or texting her mates about some lad she met. The alterations expert is in the main fitting room with yet another bride who has lost weight slowing losing patience with the amount of alteration work to be done and I am on the 2nd floor with four bridesmaids all with diferent dress styles in mind. I hear the door chimes ring and a stampede of heavy feet climb the stairs. Waiting to greet them I come face to face with “loud bride”.
Bride - “Do you have bridesmaids stuff” she shouts at ten decibels
“Yes we do but I am afraid we are fully booked today”.
Now I am not posh (ask anyone who knows me) and I am not snooty but this bride was extremely loud and extremely common I am sorry but it has to be said. She was probably about a size 26 with tattoos and piercings galore. She is not shifting so I run for some brochures and the price list. Whilst I am in the other room gathering my “get out of the shop” material I hear her delicate bellow as she looks at the size 8 svelte bride in the fitting room and says “oh you look ace in that love”. She then turns to her “husband to be” a scrawny little fellow with a scalped haircut and various tattoos to match his partner and states “that’s how thin I want to be for our wedding when I’ve had’t Baby”.
Not something you usually expect to hear in a bridal shop I try to contain myself as I shove the brochures in her hand and gesture her to the door. Really ladies please contain yourself a bridal shop is a serene place of peace and tranquillity not an episode of Jeremy Kyle.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Piercings? Tattoos? it has to be the premaddona teenage bridesmaids.
Always super skinny, called Kylie or some other sweet femine name which doesn't quite go with the tattoo and at least a couple of piercings (always one in the tongue) and hate the thought of wearing a dress. They usually want to look as anorexic as possible pulling the bridesmaid dress into the bones.
Take one poor unfortunate of our brides who thought it would be lovely to ask her cousin who was 14 years old to be a bridesmaid. She had not seen her for years but remembered her to be a lovely pretty young girl who loved playing with Barbie’s.
The bride arrived first, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the bridesmaid with her Aunt in tow. Moments later the door slung open and crashed shut and the heavy sound of biker boots came bounding up the stairs. The bride looking quite nervous watched as the bridesmaid from hell turned the top of the stair to the main room. Complete with compulsory miserable expression and various piercings she slumped on the chair mobile phone in hand and proceeds to make strange grumbling noises as each style of dress was displayed in front of her whilst texting her friends some weird code known only to the under 16's.
Finally a dress was chosen much to her discontent and they all left the bride looking a little worse for wear. Arriving for her fitting with six inch high "street walker" style shoes she snapped at our seamstress “its not tight enough take it in” answering her mother back at all possible occasions with the usual "am I bovvered". She then exclaimed “I am having my nose pierced this week” at one point I thought the bride would faint this was all too amusing for me as in a way she was getting them back for all the rubbish I have to put up with from the bride!
Take one poor unfortunate of our brides who thought it would be lovely to ask her cousin who was 14 years old to be a bridesmaid. She had not seen her for years but remembered her to be a lovely pretty young girl who loved playing with Barbie’s.
The bride arrived first, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the bridesmaid with her Aunt in tow. Moments later the door slung open and crashed shut and the heavy sound of biker boots came bounding up the stairs. The bride looking quite nervous watched as the bridesmaid from hell turned the top of the stair to the main room. Complete with compulsory miserable expression and various piercings she slumped on the chair mobile phone in hand and proceeds to make strange grumbling noises as each style of dress was displayed in front of her whilst texting her friends some weird code known only to the under 16's.
Finally a dress was chosen much to her discontent and they all left the bride looking a little worse for wear. Arriving for her fitting with six inch high "street walker" style shoes she snapped at our seamstress “its not tight enough take it in” answering her mother back at all possible occasions with the usual "am I bovvered". She then exclaimed “I am having my nose pierced this week” at one point I thought the bride would faint this was all too amusing for me as in a way she was getting them back for all the rubbish I have to put up with from the bride!
Thursday, 20 August 2009
That David Dickinson look!
Make up and the fake tan.
The bride always wants to look her best. Often we get brides for their final fitting directly after their trip to the tanning salon glowing and pink and greasy from the tanning cream. They cannot understand our unwillingness to let them put on their gown. . Then there is that danger of sun bed tanning “the overall effect”. Take one bride who had regular visits to the tanning studio. She braved the bed in her birthday suit and was careful to be finely crisped and baked on each side. She inadvertently forgot however, to lift her arms during the process and ended up with a shocking lily white underarms which beautifully matched her dress!. Of course there is the sun worshipper but that does not come without its own risk. One of our lovely brides, a school teacher was at her school sports day. The day was a baking hot July and determined not to get those awful strap marks before her day she covered up in a white t-shirt only to find when undressing that evening she had a beautifully defined T-Shirt neckline and arms in a lovely salmon pink and lily white everywhere else, priceless!
And of course there is the “Fake tan” which is now very popular. That lovely orange glow which, for some reason, is highly fashionable these days. You can image how lovely the look as orange goes so well with the ivory. Of course it never enters their heads that fake tan can come off, you can imagine the uproar when the fake tan ends up on the lovely crisp white dress and who do you think they blame?
The bride always wants to look her best. Often we get brides for their final fitting directly after their trip to the tanning salon glowing and pink and greasy from the tanning cream. They cannot understand our unwillingness to let them put on their gown. . Then there is that danger of sun bed tanning “the overall effect”. Take one bride who had regular visits to the tanning studio. She braved the bed in her birthday suit and was careful to be finely crisped and baked on each side. She inadvertently forgot however, to lift her arms during the process and ended up with a shocking lily white underarms which beautifully matched her dress!. Of course there is the sun worshipper but that does not come without its own risk. One of our lovely brides, a school teacher was at her school sports day. The day was a baking hot July and determined not to get those awful strap marks before her day she covered up in a white t-shirt only to find when undressing that evening she had a beautifully defined T-Shirt neckline and arms in a lovely salmon pink and lily white everywhere else, priceless!
And of course there is the “Fake tan” which is now very popular. That lovely orange glow which, for some reason, is highly fashionable these days. You can image how lovely the look as orange goes so well with the ivory. Of course it never enters their heads that fake tan can come off, you can imagine the uproar when the fake tan ends up on the lovely crisp white dress and who do you think they blame?
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
"I'll sqweem and sqweem until I'm sick" - The Bratty children bridesmaids.
Many are the day I would go into the bridesmaid room to see it resembling the scene from the exorcist with small children heads spinning around projectile vomiting pea soup across the room (well maybe not the vomiting).
The sign on the door says bridal shop but to a six-year-old cherub it says play barn. Swinging from the light fittings and hiding under the dresses.
Maybe it’s because I had no children at the time, (which apparently causes most mothers of small children to tilt their heads to one side as if in sympathy of my childless existence) but I cannot stand them… well not all of them but most of them.
Most are spoilt little buggers demanding chocolate and presents for simply coming into a shop and blackmail their mothers that if they don’t get the chocolate and presents they will act up in any embarrassing manor until they do.
Mothers of course bring their children as if parading them at a Miss Pears contest awaiting the ooohs and aahhs. The trouble is underneath that glow of angelic proportions is a six year old going on sixteen with all the manners and poise of a Doberman pincher. My gut instinct at most times is to await the turn of the parents head and give the little darling a quick kick up the rear end but must hold back must stay patient.
As they try on everything in the shop the girly girls go for the tulle and proceed to swing around and thrown themselves on the floor rolling around in the dog poo and chewing gum left by the previous customers pushchair. The tomboy girls hate everything and everyone and ensure that every ones life is made a misery before they storm out of the shop only to accept the role as cherub bridesmaid if she gets the latest cartoon DVD. All small children proceed to wipe their sticky hands over everything in site whilst their mother sits in a dream like state. Only when we ask them not to dangle out of the second floor window do the mothers say “don’t do that dear” in a soft high pitched sickly tone completely ignored by the demon child.
One mother this particular week had one child who insisted on kicking our floor to ceiling mirror with the heel of his shoe. When I asked the bride to tell him to stop as it was dangerous she snapped “you shouldn’t have a mirror there if it is not safe for him to lean on”. After trying to explain that it was totally safe to lean on just not to kick the living s**t out of and that this is not a “play barn” but a wedding shop she decided to leave, much to my relief.
We are left in a war like state of disarray, floor covered with broken tiara’s rails of dresses pushed every which way and hand prints and smiley face shapes drawn into the mirrors with sticky hands. It’s a real delight every time I can assure you. When they leave the shop after being absolute little s**ts we hear their mothers saying “weren’t you good Felicity, we can go to the local burger bar now as a treat”. God bless em.
The sign on the door says bridal shop but to a six-year-old cherub it says play barn. Swinging from the light fittings and hiding under the dresses.
Maybe it’s because I had no children at the time, (which apparently causes most mothers of small children to tilt their heads to one side as if in sympathy of my childless existence) but I cannot stand them… well not all of them but most of them.
Most are spoilt little buggers demanding chocolate and presents for simply coming into a shop and blackmail their mothers that if they don’t get the chocolate and presents they will act up in any embarrassing manor until they do.
Mothers of course bring their children as if parading them at a Miss Pears contest awaiting the ooohs and aahhs. The trouble is underneath that glow of angelic proportions is a six year old going on sixteen with all the manners and poise of a Doberman pincher. My gut instinct at most times is to await the turn of the parents head and give the little darling a quick kick up the rear end but must hold back must stay patient.
As they try on everything in the shop the girly girls go for the tulle and proceed to swing around and thrown themselves on the floor rolling around in the dog poo and chewing gum left by the previous customers pushchair. The tomboy girls hate everything and everyone and ensure that every ones life is made a misery before they storm out of the shop only to accept the role as cherub bridesmaid if she gets the latest cartoon DVD. All small children proceed to wipe their sticky hands over everything in site whilst their mother sits in a dream like state. Only when we ask them not to dangle out of the second floor window do the mothers say “don’t do that dear” in a soft high pitched sickly tone completely ignored by the demon child.
One mother this particular week had one child who insisted on kicking our floor to ceiling mirror with the heel of his shoe. When I asked the bride to tell him to stop as it was dangerous she snapped “you shouldn’t have a mirror there if it is not safe for him to lean on”. After trying to explain that it was totally safe to lean on just not to kick the living s**t out of and that this is not a “play barn” but a wedding shop she decided to leave, much to my relief.
We are left in a war like state of disarray, floor covered with broken tiara’s rails of dresses pushed every which way and hand prints and smiley face shapes drawn into the mirrors with sticky hands. It’s a real delight every time I can assure you. When they leave the shop after being absolute little s**ts we hear their mothers saying “weren’t you good Felicity, we can go to the local burger bar now as a treat”. God bless em.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Is that cousin It? - The hairy bride.
Yes, amazingly, we have had quite a few Oddbodd Juniors in the shop believe me. Don’t get me wrong not waxing your legs is not a criminal offence but when you have a dead animal escaping from under your arms or even worse between your legs do you think I am going to be happy about you trying on this £2000 frock?
What always amazes me is that these gorillas from the mist seem to pluck and crimp their eyebrows, eyelashes and hair to perfection and certainly their clothes are always immaculate and nails French manicured to death so why? maybe to conserve heat or some strange turn on for the husband to be?
So there are two kinds of dress they always seem to try on in these cases …
a) the strapless showing German Shot Putter style underarm accessory very attractively framed and creating a rather fetching pair of matching rings of sweat. But even worse …
b) the slinky bias cut soft satin number which clings to every nook and cranny and if tried on too quickly static charged it attaches itself to the offending lower area as if framing it for all to see. The hope would be that in removing the item later that night she does not spontaneously combust from the static sparks.
What always amazes me is that these gorillas from the mist seem to pluck and crimp their eyebrows, eyelashes and hair to perfection and certainly their clothes are always immaculate and nails French manicured to death so why? maybe to conserve heat or some strange turn on for the husband to be?
So there are two kinds of dress they always seem to try on in these cases …
a) the strapless showing German Shot Putter style underarm accessory very attractively framed and creating a rather fetching pair of matching rings of sweat. But even worse …
b) the slinky bias cut soft satin number which clings to every nook and cranny and if tried on too quickly static charged it attaches itself to the offending lower area as if framing it for all to see. The hope would be that in removing the item later that night she does not spontaneously combust from the static sparks.
Monday, 17 August 2009
I dunno some men just give too much opinion.
We often got Grooms in the shop with the bride. I think it may be a control freak issue but they insist on viewing the dresses to give the opinion of what the bride should wear.
We have actually had two gentlemen in the shop previously that thought it necessary to stay whilst the bridesmaids were being fitting rather that go for a walk or have a cup of coffee at the shop two doors away. They sprawled across the floor and opened a bag to reveal chess set and began to play chess in the middle of the room (seriously I am not kidding folks). After well over one hour our next appointment chomping at the bit in the doorway we asked them to discuss nail polish colours and hair plaits elsewhere as our next appointment is now here and the fitting is complete. The groom looked up and snapped “she can have as much time as she likes you take you time love” at this point I was red with anger “I am sorry but she doesn’t have all the time in the world Sir (very close to saying “you Donkey head”) she has one hour and has already gone well past that”.
Embarrassed, the bridesmaid retreated to the changing room and we ushered the gentlemen out of the room. I received a telephone apology from the bride two days later.
Another Groom decided he wanted total control of how his bride would look on the big day. He began to pull the dresses off the rail grubby fingerprints all over them I politely asked him to take a seat and he would see her in them one at a time. I stood silently scowling in the corner as he subjected his poor bride to be to a barrage of insults “your arse looks huge” or “you look cheap in that” As she went into the changing room for the third time you could see she wasn’t impressed “I think I will come back with my mum” she whispered. I never saw her again I hope she didn’t marry him.
But it doesn’t stop there oh no… some men also feel the need to discuss shoes, tiaras, and veils and make up. One chap for example came for the fittings of his Brides wedding dress and I am not kidding he actually sat in front of his “bride to be” and uttered “Red Lipstick wouldn’t go with that but maybe a soft blush pink colour”. I am afraid I had to leave the room for fear of bursting out laughing.
We have actually had two gentlemen in the shop previously that thought it necessary to stay whilst the bridesmaids were being fitting rather that go for a walk or have a cup of coffee at the shop two doors away. They sprawled across the floor and opened a bag to reveal chess set and began to play chess in the middle of the room (seriously I am not kidding folks). After well over one hour our next appointment chomping at the bit in the doorway we asked them to discuss nail polish colours and hair plaits elsewhere as our next appointment is now here and the fitting is complete. The groom looked up and snapped “she can have as much time as she likes you take you time love” at this point I was red with anger “I am sorry but she doesn’t have all the time in the world Sir (very close to saying “you Donkey head”) she has one hour and has already gone well past that”.
Embarrassed, the bridesmaid retreated to the changing room and we ushered the gentlemen out of the room. I received a telephone apology from the bride two days later.
Another Groom decided he wanted total control of how his bride would look on the big day. He began to pull the dresses off the rail grubby fingerprints all over them I politely asked him to take a seat and he would see her in them one at a time. I stood silently scowling in the corner as he subjected his poor bride to be to a barrage of insults “your arse looks huge” or “you look cheap in that” As she went into the changing room for the third time you could see she wasn’t impressed “I think I will come back with my mum” she whispered. I never saw her again I hope she didn’t marry him.
But it doesn’t stop there oh no… some men also feel the need to discuss shoes, tiaras, and veils and make up. One chap for example came for the fittings of his Brides wedding dress and I am not kidding he actually sat in front of his “bride to be” and uttered “Red Lipstick wouldn’t go with that but maybe a soft blush pink colour”. I am afraid I had to leave the room for fear of bursting out laughing.
Sunday, 16 August 2009
“Monster in laws”.
This is usually a balancing act for most brides and for those we feel totally sorry for them. For what ever reason most Mother in Laws take an instant dislike to the Mother of the Bride. My son marrying into this family! Its simply horrendous. So trying to keep the peace the bride attempts to bring both parties to the viewings. I will guarantee that both disagree on styles the mother of course having the upper hand in the decision making so the Mother in Law to be soon finds her self an unwanted spectator. Sharp ones liners are exchanged with a fixed smile swathed across their faces.
It isn’t until the colours for bridesmaids are mentioned that the shit really hits the fan so to speak. Now this is a very serious decision and you cannot take it lightly as much is determined from it. Most brides have a very strong idea of bridesmaid colour but the “Mothers” see this as the most important decision of all, buggar the wedding dress the colour of the bridesmaids will determine what colour the all important “Mothers” outfits will be. Then of course what if both mothers want to wear the same colour? I am so glad I never did mother of the bride outfits and my sincerest sympathies go out to those shops. We stand in the centre of the room like talk show host giving calming and helpful comments. One mother decides to wear ice Blue “wonderful” but the mother of the Bride want to wear turquoise “oh, nice” thinking of the wonderful clashing tones as the Bride pipes up that she wants Royal Blue for the bridesmaids “oh what a wonderful array of blues” we lie through our teeth.
In my personal opinion it really doesn’t matter what colour people wear as long as it suits them, looks lovely and they feel great. The problem is people get so hung up on “the perfect look” that they forget why they are really there, to enjoy the day and watch their children get married.
It isn’t until the colours for bridesmaids are mentioned that the shit really hits the fan so to speak. Now this is a very serious decision and you cannot take it lightly as much is determined from it. Most brides have a very strong idea of bridesmaid colour but the “Mothers” see this as the most important decision of all, buggar the wedding dress the colour of the bridesmaids will determine what colour the all important “Mothers” outfits will be. Then of course what if both mothers want to wear the same colour? I am so glad I never did mother of the bride outfits and my sincerest sympathies go out to those shops. We stand in the centre of the room like talk show host giving calming and helpful comments. One mother decides to wear ice Blue “wonderful” but the mother of the Bride want to wear turquoise “oh, nice” thinking of the wonderful clashing tones as the Bride pipes up that she wants Royal Blue for the bridesmaids “oh what a wonderful array of blues” we lie through our teeth.
In my personal opinion it really doesn’t matter what colour people wear as long as it suits them, looks lovely and they feel great. The problem is people get so hung up on “the perfect look” that they forget why they are really there, to enjoy the day and watch their children get married.
Mother of the Bride from Hell?
These fall in to two categories
A - The lovely mum that is subjected to hell from the over obsessive and ill-mannered Daughter. One particularly “trying” bride came for her fitting in a really god-awful mood. You would think it would be a happy time but no, maybe it’s the time of the month, who knows? either way her mother got it right in the neck so to speak.
Bride - “I just cant stand this, its too uncomfortable I am used to wearing T-shirts”
“And the train is annoying I cant walk in this and its catching on my shoes and the veil looks all wrong”.
Now I was standing quite far back at this point away from the firing line (about two miles) but the mother made a big mistake
Mother - “perhaps you should leave it for today and come another day you are obviously not in the right frame of mind dear”
I swear to god if that bride had any sharp implement in her hand I would be in the dock as a murder witness as we speak. She let total rip into her poor mother who just stood there and took it like a sponge. She definitely deserved my award for “Most brave Mother” a true wonder of calm and patience.
Now in extreme opposition is
b) The mother herself from Hell who demands the best of everything for her Angel from Heaven Daughter for her super special Royal Wedding like day. From day one we usually get a run down of the amount of money to be spent on the day and of course the entire happiness of her daughter and the whole day rests in our hands so watch out! I usually get a full grilling by “mumsy” on where the reception is going to be and how many extremely famous people are going to the event of the century and that it will be £300 per head for the meal alone! Then just to make sure I understand the velocity of the day I receive numerous answer phone messages to call her back immediately simply so she can confirm the thing she has already confirmed three times before just to make triply sure I have it tattooed into my brain.
One mother just for example called me every single day for a whole week to check the arrival of her daughters veil. She was “very concerned” and “worried” that it had not arrived even though it wasn’t due of another three days. When it finally arrived on the exact day it was due to arrive she simply replied “oh I cant come and pick it up now I am far too busy, I will come in a couple of weeks as there is not rush, the wedding isn’t til next month”.
A - The lovely mum that is subjected to hell from the over obsessive and ill-mannered Daughter. One particularly “trying” bride came for her fitting in a really god-awful mood. You would think it would be a happy time but no, maybe it’s the time of the month, who knows? either way her mother got it right in the neck so to speak.
Bride - “I just cant stand this, its too uncomfortable I am used to wearing T-shirts”
“And the train is annoying I cant walk in this and its catching on my shoes and the veil looks all wrong”.
Now I was standing quite far back at this point away from the firing line (about two miles) but the mother made a big mistake
Mother - “perhaps you should leave it for today and come another day you are obviously not in the right frame of mind dear”
I swear to god if that bride had any sharp implement in her hand I would be in the dock as a murder witness as we speak. She let total rip into her poor mother who just stood there and took it like a sponge. She definitely deserved my award for “Most brave Mother” a true wonder of calm and patience.
Now in extreme opposition is
b) The mother herself from Hell who demands the best of everything for her Angel from Heaven Daughter for her super special Royal Wedding like day. From day one we usually get a run down of the amount of money to be spent on the day and of course the entire happiness of her daughter and the whole day rests in our hands so watch out! I usually get a full grilling by “mumsy” on where the reception is going to be and how many extremely famous people are going to the event of the century and that it will be £300 per head for the meal alone! Then just to make sure I understand the velocity of the day I receive numerous answer phone messages to call her back immediately simply so she can confirm the thing she has already confirmed three times before just to make triply sure I have it tattooed into my brain.
One mother just for example called me every single day for a whole week to check the arrival of her daughters veil. She was “very concerned” and “worried” that it had not arrived even though it wasn’t due of another three days. When it finally arrived on the exact day it was due to arrive she simply replied “oh I cant come and pick it up now I am far too busy, I will come in a couple of weeks as there is not rush, the wedding isn’t til next month”.
Saturday, 15 August 2009
“Those are your bones dear we cant take it in any more”.
We tried our best to make brides look svelte taking in as much as possible without subjecting the entire body to either blocking of circulation or transfer of fat to other areas i.e. above or below the dress line. Once you have hit a bone there really isn’t any more you can do I am afraid unless you are considering Amputation? The weight loss issue is a long and frustrating one.
We have had a delightful bride that came for her first fitting on her gown, the fit was surprisingly good actually, which is quite rare as there is always something to tweak.
Bride - “Can you take the skirt in?”
Puzzled we pinned the skirt where she wanted
Bride - “oh yes that’s much better”
“Good, now have a try at walking about”
Its was quite entertaining I can tell you, a bit like when your older brother hides under the table and ties your shoe laces together so when you stand up to walk away you take half a step and fall flat on your face, I always remember that being a really hilarious one in our house.
Trying my hardest to cover my grin she waddled like Pingu from one side of the room to the other
Bride - “I think I will be ok” (she lied).
I couldn’t believe it surely she didn’t want to walk down the aisle like that?
“Try sitting down” (now this should be good).
Contorting sideways in a strange “S” shape she drops from standing to sitting position in one quick move.
“And getting up again”
She starts by heaving her pelvic muscles forward as if six months pregnant but this does not offer enough leverage and she bouces back on the sofa cushions her arms flaying about in a not so ladylike fashion. In the end her mother lends a hand to pull her up to a vertical from horizontal position.
Amazingly she seems to think that walking as if she had a haemorrhoid problem didn’t pose a problem. We take the skirt in much against our wishes and numerous declarations of “if it’s too tight” or “if it rips we have warned you!” so we will wait and see how the day goes and await the complaint letter when she claims we made the skirt too tight, sigh. Brides seem to be under the illusion that the tighter the fit the slimmer you look. Ladies this is not the case as to show every lump and bump and to be able to see if you have a brazilian wax is not the most flattering of fits.
A bride we had recently claimed her dress was too loose and she wanted it at least an inch tighter. We did advise that to take it in an inch would mean she won’t be able to button it up but she was adamant. Ok we said give us a couple of days and come back for a final fitting. Now this dress fit perfectly, she didn’t bulge over it and the bodice fit like a glove. Any tighter and the bones in the dress were likely to give way so we tried a little test, naughty I know but effective. A couple of days later the bride returned for her final fitting on buttoning the gown she smiled delightfully
Bride - “that’s so much better thank you so much”
Turning from side to side in the mirror
Bride - “I cant believe how much better it feels and looks I hope it didn’t take you long, do I owe you anything?”
We smile graciously
“Oh no don’t worry we are just pleased you are happy”.
So there she goes one very happy customer with a perfectly fitting dress, totally the same shape and size and unaltered from her first fitting, its magic I guess.
We have had a delightful bride that came for her first fitting on her gown, the fit was surprisingly good actually, which is quite rare as there is always something to tweak.
Bride - “Can you take the skirt in?”
Puzzled we pinned the skirt where she wanted
Bride - “oh yes that’s much better”
“Good, now have a try at walking about”
Its was quite entertaining I can tell you, a bit like when your older brother hides under the table and ties your shoe laces together so when you stand up to walk away you take half a step and fall flat on your face, I always remember that being a really hilarious one in our house.
Trying my hardest to cover my grin she waddled like Pingu from one side of the room to the other
Bride - “I think I will be ok” (she lied).
I couldn’t believe it surely she didn’t want to walk down the aisle like that?
“Try sitting down” (now this should be good).
Contorting sideways in a strange “S” shape she drops from standing to sitting position in one quick move.
“And getting up again”
She starts by heaving her pelvic muscles forward as if six months pregnant but this does not offer enough leverage and she bouces back on the sofa cushions her arms flaying about in a not so ladylike fashion. In the end her mother lends a hand to pull her up to a vertical from horizontal position.
Amazingly she seems to think that walking as if she had a haemorrhoid problem didn’t pose a problem. We take the skirt in much against our wishes and numerous declarations of “if it’s too tight” or “if it rips we have warned you!” so we will wait and see how the day goes and await the complaint letter when she claims we made the skirt too tight, sigh. Brides seem to be under the illusion that the tighter the fit the slimmer you look. Ladies this is not the case as to show every lump and bump and to be able to see if you have a brazilian wax is not the most flattering of fits.
A bride we had recently claimed her dress was too loose and she wanted it at least an inch tighter. We did advise that to take it in an inch would mean she won’t be able to button it up but she was adamant. Ok we said give us a couple of days and come back for a final fitting. Now this dress fit perfectly, she didn’t bulge over it and the bodice fit like a glove. Any tighter and the bones in the dress were likely to give way so we tried a little test, naughty I know but effective. A couple of days later the bride returned for her final fitting on buttoning the gown she smiled delightfully
Bride - “that’s so much better thank you so much”
Turning from side to side in the mirror
Bride - “I cant believe how much better it feels and looks I hope it didn’t take you long, do I owe you anything?”
We smile graciously
“Oh no don’t worry we are just pleased you are happy”.
So there she goes one very happy customer with a perfectly fitting dress, totally the same shape and size and unaltered from her first fitting, its magic I guess.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
“It’s a corset dear not a suit of armour”.
So the wedding has gone without a hitch the weather was lovely. Then out of the blue you get a telephone call some four weeks later from the brides’ mother asking why the dress creased when the bride sat down.
Mother - “It had a corset so it should not crease”
The unfortunate age that we are in i.e. Not medieval means that corsets are there to hold you firm but not so that you have no ability to move or indeed avoid a sword into the heart from a passing Celt. Fabric creases it’s a fact I am afraid and if you bend over at 45 degrees can you expect your dress to withstand that?
Mother – “I want compensation for that fact the dress creased at the waist when my daughter bent over to pick her baby up. And it was creased when she got out of the MG midget car she booked for the journey from the church”
I bet she would like me to pay for it being cleaned while I am at it because clearly not only do wedding dresses not crease (apparently) they also should not get dirty when someone spills wine and gravy on them or the groom stamps his size 9 imprint on the train?.
So now we have to go through more legal rigmarole stating that the dress is not a suit of armour to every bride that comes to us and that if they want to bend that’s ok but don’t try and do a backward flip in the dress as this might crease it. I mean that’s what were here for stating the bloody obvious it seems.
Mother - “It had a corset so it should not crease”
The unfortunate age that we are in i.e. Not medieval means that corsets are there to hold you firm but not so that you have no ability to move or indeed avoid a sword into the heart from a passing Celt. Fabric creases it’s a fact I am afraid and if you bend over at 45 degrees can you expect your dress to withstand that?
Mother – “I want compensation for that fact the dress creased at the waist when my daughter bent over to pick her baby up. And it was creased when she got out of the MG midget car she booked for the journey from the church”
I bet she would like me to pay for it being cleaned while I am at it because clearly not only do wedding dresses not crease (apparently) they also should not get dirty when someone spills wine and gravy on them or the groom stamps his size 9 imprint on the train?.
So now we have to go through more legal rigmarole stating that the dress is not a suit of armour to every bride that comes to us and that if they want to bend that’s ok but don’t try and do a backward flip in the dress as this might crease it. I mean that’s what were here for stating the bloody obvious it seems.
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
“I want a wedding dress but I want to be able to wear it again”.
Yes we hear this one a lot, customers who want the glamorous feel and be able to create the “wow” factor but they cannot justify spending money on a wedding dress as they want to be able to wear it again for parties or clubbing and they need the money to block pave their drive. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind this as I can see their point of course its as important to block pave your drive as it is to get married, however, it does baffle me when they come to choose styles …
“So you would like to be able to wear it again so you would like a dress without a train?”
Bride - “Oh yes I really want a train, it wouldn’t be a wedding dress without one”
“Oh ok, but you probably don’t want white or ivory then”
Bride - “Well I have toyed with the idea of colours but really do want an ivory dress”
Bride – “Oh and I would like a lot of sparkle on the bodice and skirt too”
So let me get this straight you want a full wedding gown with train and all the weddingy trimmings but you want to be able to wear it again for clubbing… purlease. Don’t get me wrong I do understand wedding dresses are expensive things but please ladies if you want to wear it again don’t get huffy when we suggest you try a cheaper shop. You cant expect me to provide you with a “miracle wonder woman dress” that looks like a mile mannered wedding gown one minute and if you spin on the spot it changes miraculously to a knee length red evening frock.
Bride – “Maybe I could dye it afterwards?”
You really don’t see enough full-length evening gowns with full length cathedral trains do you. Beautifully dyed in a mucky pink because there wasn’t enough red dye in the washing machine to cover the whole dress and with patches of darker pink round stains where “Uncle John” spilt his lager over you at the reception Disco. And don’t forget all those lovely crystals and beads you insisted on having which are now either hanging off by threads or coloured a lovely shade of cerise.
“So you would like to be able to wear it again so you would like a dress without a train?”
Bride - “Oh yes I really want a train, it wouldn’t be a wedding dress without one”
“Oh ok, but you probably don’t want white or ivory then”
Bride - “Well I have toyed with the idea of colours but really do want an ivory dress”
Bride – “Oh and I would like a lot of sparkle on the bodice and skirt too”
So let me get this straight you want a full wedding gown with train and all the weddingy trimmings but you want to be able to wear it again for clubbing… purlease. Don’t get me wrong I do understand wedding dresses are expensive things but please ladies if you want to wear it again don’t get huffy when we suggest you try a cheaper shop. You cant expect me to provide you with a “miracle wonder woman dress” that looks like a mile mannered wedding gown one minute and if you spin on the spot it changes miraculously to a knee length red evening frock.
Bride – “Maybe I could dye it afterwards?”
You really don’t see enough full-length evening gowns with full length cathedral trains do you. Beautifully dyed in a mucky pink because there wasn’t enough red dye in the washing machine to cover the whole dress and with patches of darker pink round stains where “Uncle John” spilt his lager over you at the reception Disco. And don’t forget all those lovely crystals and beads you insisted on having which are now either hanging off by threads or coloured a lovely shade of cerise.
Monday, 10 August 2009
Hips and Bums
Along with the g-string comes the absolutely huge rear end and not just the rear but the side too. Hips are definitely “in” this season and boy are they huge! And what does every large hipped bride want to wear? Bias cut slinky style of course.
Now we are very discreet and try our best to accommodate but please, how to emphasise your hugeness in one easy step? Fit something really tight over it.
You can usually spot these brides a mile off as they arrive for their appointment in hipster style Jeans with bootleg shaped trousers and of course the statutory G-String. Picture the scene, you are very hippy and very amply arsed so what do you wear? A pair of trousers that cut right across your posterior viewing the entire girth and curving right over the shape of the hips to pin like knees and spindly calves, beautiful!
I am not quite sure what she sees when she looks in the mirror, Kylie or Kate perhaps? But it is quite scary to see all that shape in its entirety.
Our Mantra is …
“hide the worst bits and show of the best”
But in these brides cases clearly not as they pull out a very slinky number claiming “this would look good on me wont it mum” at which point the mother looks scared and heads toward the tiara’s and veils for security.
Now I don’t like to be rude (well not all the time) I do however like to think that when a bride says she has bought her dress from us the congregation does not say, “if I get married we’ll avoid that shop like the plague”. So we try to be as honest as possible without hurting feelings and having a screaming banshee rush from the shop.
Sometimes the hips and bum can cause an even more embarrassing problem actually getting into the samples. Sometimes we can be deceived by a brides normal flattering clothes and what looks like a normal shaped bride with a lovely swaying skirt can actually be hiding something much more underneath. We don’t see the depth of the problem until she actually undresses and tries to slip her ample thighs into the dress and gets stuck! Many a time I have said “don’t worry dear that isn’t the dress ripping it’s the Velcro”.
Now we are very discreet and try our best to accommodate but please, how to emphasise your hugeness in one easy step? Fit something really tight over it.
You can usually spot these brides a mile off as they arrive for their appointment in hipster style Jeans with bootleg shaped trousers and of course the statutory G-String. Picture the scene, you are very hippy and very amply arsed so what do you wear? A pair of trousers that cut right across your posterior viewing the entire girth and curving right over the shape of the hips to pin like knees and spindly calves, beautiful!
I am not quite sure what she sees when she looks in the mirror, Kylie or Kate perhaps? But it is quite scary to see all that shape in its entirety.
Our Mantra is …
“hide the worst bits and show of the best”
But in these brides cases clearly not as they pull out a very slinky number claiming “this would look good on me wont it mum” at which point the mother looks scared and heads toward the tiara’s and veils for security.
Now I don’t like to be rude (well not all the time) I do however like to think that when a bride says she has bought her dress from us the congregation does not say, “if I get married we’ll avoid that shop like the plague”. So we try to be as honest as possible without hurting feelings and having a screaming banshee rush from the shop.
Sometimes the hips and bum can cause an even more embarrassing problem actually getting into the samples. Sometimes we can be deceived by a brides normal flattering clothes and what looks like a normal shaped bride with a lovely swaying skirt can actually be hiding something much more underneath. We don’t see the depth of the problem until she actually undresses and tries to slip her ample thighs into the dress and gets stuck! Many a time I have said “don’t worry dear that isn’t the dress ripping it’s the Velcro”.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
G-Strings (of the lingerie not guitar variety)
I mean what is it with g-strings? Was there a special g-string initiation party, which I missed in the nineties, which said “yes ladies no matter what size and shape you are you must wear g-string knickers and especially when you are about to get your kit off to try on a wedding dress. They are totally gross and are usually ornamented with butterfly or Chinese writing tattoo on their protruding posterior.
Picture the scene…. I, your ever-helpful bridal shop owner assist you in viewing the range of top designer bridal wear then escort you and the dress of your choice into the changing room. Unfortunately for me you have chosen the very large full gown with the inner corset with lace up straps. We chat cheerily as you undress and low and behold what meets my eyes as you bend over to remove your Jeans? A big fat arse with a cheese wire right up the middle…. Oh Joy.
Now I don’t have to paint much more of a picture I am sure …. But I am going to. You have delicately stepped into this rather expensive silk gown and before I can button you into it I have to lace up an inner corset to pull you in tight with the laces to deceptively show off your invisible curves. But alas what happens to the end of the laces when I have finished pulling in your waist? Believe me it is allot like hunt the thimble when we come to take off the gown as the lace disappears down the same place as the g-string ended up.
Then you have the bride that wants the sleek and shapely “Hollywood red carpet” dress, a beautiful creation but you can guarantee the bride that want to wear it is always the bride with the large behind ever so slightly larger with more cellulite.
Now ladies can I point out that a G-String unlike those wonderful fuller style knickers do not actually give that excess baggage any support and it really isn’t fetching to view a slinky dress with two wobbling masses bringing up the rear complete with cheese wire v.p.l. I have a test for you if you have a tummy stand up straight and look down at your feet. If you need to hold your breath and suck in to see your pinkies G-strings are not really a great look on you, think of gravity what will happen to those aching stomach muscles in years to come when they have been subjected to the droop, pelvic floor dear pelvic floor you don’t want to have the worry of what will happen when you laugh now do you.
Picture the scene…. I, your ever-helpful bridal shop owner assist you in viewing the range of top designer bridal wear then escort you and the dress of your choice into the changing room. Unfortunately for me you have chosen the very large full gown with the inner corset with lace up straps. We chat cheerily as you undress and low and behold what meets my eyes as you bend over to remove your Jeans? A big fat arse with a cheese wire right up the middle…. Oh Joy.
Now I don’t have to paint much more of a picture I am sure …. But I am going to. You have delicately stepped into this rather expensive silk gown and before I can button you into it I have to lace up an inner corset to pull you in tight with the laces to deceptively show off your invisible curves. But alas what happens to the end of the laces when I have finished pulling in your waist? Believe me it is allot like hunt the thimble when we come to take off the gown as the lace disappears down the same place as the g-string ended up.
Then you have the bride that wants the sleek and shapely “Hollywood red carpet” dress, a beautiful creation but you can guarantee the bride that want to wear it is always the bride with the large behind ever so slightly larger with more cellulite.
Now ladies can I point out that a G-String unlike those wonderful fuller style knickers do not actually give that excess baggage any support and it really isn’t fetching to view a slinky dress with two wobbling masses bringing up the rear complete with cheese wire v.p.l. I have a test for you if you have a tummy stand up straight and look down at your feet. If you need to hold your breath and suck in to see your pinkies G-strings are not really a great look on you, think of gravity what will happen to those aching stomach muscles in years to come when they have been subjected to the droop, pelvic floor dear pelvic floor you don’t want to have the worry of what will happen when you laugh now do you.
Weighty issue?
Loss of weight
The Obvious type of bride you would think of course all brides want to lose weight but their ever-obsessive goals are annoying beyond belief. I would guarantee you that if we measured a bride for her dress four days before it arrived she would still find time to lose a further four inches.
Bride – “Well that’s no problem is it you can just take it in?”
Oh yes of course I will just take this bodice off this skirt, remove the petticoat, undo the lining remove the beading and crystalling intricately added to the bodice and then take it in and put it all back, a simple ten minute job.
I must admit I was of the crowd of bewildered in the beginning that to take in a dress just meant sewing up the inside a bit more but alas this is not the case, unless of course you want side wings on your dress or some great big clump of fabric digging into your sides. We had a most fabulous lady that altered the gowns for us she is worth her weight in gold and quite frankly I could not pay her as much as she is worth (luckily she was my mum).
Of course the bride wants to look her best but I can see a grey hair appear as if by magic every time another bride comes in with a long tail of how she can’t possibly have lost any more weight because she has been eating Mars Bars every day to ensure she hasn’t. This is of course not to boast, as they would sincerely love to boast about the two stone that she has lost but simply to avoid the £50 alteration charge. We of course then use the magic measuring tape, as it is wafted across her ever reducing body.
Bride - “Your measurements must been wrong” I haven’t lost any weight my jeans still fit the same”.
Ah yes that wonderful measurement device “jeans” they always come into play when a girl is lying about her size. Jeans are used as a very accurate weight loss tool surely you knew this. Jeans for example do not stretch to fit oh no and they certainly don’t shrink back after washing. So of course the aid of the trusty Jeans can give you a pinpoint accuracy to weight fluctuation. So now we are subjected to a barrage of accusations that we are liars and cheats all because of a £50 alteration charge. May I remind you that the average cost of a wedding is around £15,000 so as you can image £50 is a lot of money in the whole scheme of things and quite frankly do you think we can be bothered altering measurements simply to make £50 measly quid for five hours work?
Gain of weight
You wouldn’t think it possible would you? I mean the first words on every girls lips that come into the shop are “well I am going to lose some weight” we nod and smile smugly in the knowledge of many others before her who have said the same and returned exactly the same size.
The culprit? a new daily venture in every brides pre marriage timetable “the gym” you know the one, that wonderful place that tones and slims…. No that wonderful place that tones and builds muscle.
Take for example a pretty but slightly larger size 18 lady who has spent months at the gym and enthusiastically swimming length after length in the pool desperate to lose those extra inches and excessively using the weights to tone her ample shape. Unfortunately because of the amount of, ahem, excess baggage so to speak she actually gains three inches around her midriff in muscle tone, oh what joy another dress to alter. Her horror and disbelief snapping we are surely mistaken as she had lost 4 lbs on the scales were laid to rest with our magic measuring tape! One quick twist of the tape around her middle and our proof was in the bag.
You see the keen bridal owner will have fallen for every trick in the book until turning into Sherlock Holmes style detective. All avenues of possible deceit have to be covered in advance the main avenue being the measuring. For many years we have worked in a lapsodasical way simply measuring, sizing and ordering, yes how very blasé of us. But alas this made way for the deceptive brides who lost or gained weight then swore blind that they hadn’t and we must surely be mistaken and ordered the wrong size. So we now work in a strategic military like fashion measuring exactly and then to cover our backs so to speak get the bride to sign her name against the proof of her girth. Yes we agree is totally ridiculous but sadly necessary. So when she comes to her fitting 4 inches heavier we can smugly point to her original measurements complete with her moniker and watch whilst she red faced confesses all of the secret binges of chocolate orange bars and sponge cake. I was actually considering going one step further and video taping the evidence to replay when the dress arrives, well, maybe not but clever idea don’t you think
Of course there are those other brides that put on weight round their tummies, increasing by each appointment. Now do we say it? Or is it rude? I mean there could be some girls out there that wear white because indeed they are the virginal brides they are supposed to be. In the end after countless alterations including additions of extra side panels we ask
“Could there be any possibility you may be pregnant?” (Always in a very quiet and apologetic tone)….
Bride - “absolutely no way!”
Low and behold a week later the bride comes in rather embarrassed stating her mistake and is there any way we can hide a four month bump?
Obsessed with weight bride.
Whether to lose weight or gain weight all brides have one thing in common obsession with their shape. I can’t tell you how I feel for all those size 10 girls when they complain about their non-existent flabby stomach. They sway and prance in front of the full length mirror smugly in the knowledge of their near perfect shape. Trying to ignore them they, missing the usual adoration they are obviously used to, claim “look at my bulges” to which of course they expect the usual “what bulges you look wonderful” however at the total insanity of the remark I reply “don’t worry you don’t notice them in that design”. Having not received the usual reply the bride looks worriedly into the mirror searching for the evidence of early middle age spread as I walk casually into the other room. They are now convinced I have seen something they can’t and quiz me on the areas of which its hiding. Smiling I reply “oh you know your really huge bottom, wide thighs etc.” realising I was taking the piss instead of being annoyed and thus storming out from the shop, looks relieved and continues to strut in front of the mirror with smugness whilst her mother looks on rolling her eyes.
The Obvious type of bride you would think of course all brides want to lose weight but their ever-obsessive goals are annoying beyond belief. I would guarantee you that if we measured a bride for her dress four days before it arrived she would still find time to lose a further four inches.
Bride – “Well that’s no problem is it you can just take it in?”
Oh yes of course I will just take this bodice off this skirt, remove the petticoat, undo the lining remove the beading and crystalling intricately added to the bodice and then take it in and put it all back, a simple ten minute job.
I must admit I was of the crowd of bewildered in the beginning that to take in a dress just meant sewing up the inside a bit more but alas this is not the case, unless of course you want side wings on your dress or some great big clump of fabric digging into your sides. We had a most fabulous lady that altered the gowns for us she is worth her weight in gold and quite frankly I could not pay her as much as she is worth (luckily she was my mum).
Of course the bride wants to look her best but I can see a grey hair appear as if by magic every time another bride comes in with a long tail of how she can’t possibly have lost any more weight because she has been eating Mars Bars every day to ensure she hasn’t. This is of course not to boast, as they would sincerely love to boast about the two stone that she has lost but simply to avoid the £50 alteration charge. We of course then use the magic measuring tape, as it is wafted across her ever reducing body.
Bride - “Your measurements must been wrong” I haven’t lost any weight my jeans still fit the same”.
Ah yes that wonderful measurement device “jeans” they always come into play when a girl is lying about her size. Jeans are used as a very accurate weight loss tool surely you knew this. Jeans for example do not stretch to fit oh no and they certainly don’t shrink back after washing. So of course the aid of the trusty Jeans can give you a pinpoint accuracy to weight fluctuation. So now we are subjected to a barrage of accusations that we are liars and cheats all because of a £50 alteration charge. May I remind you that the average cost of a wedding is around £15,000 so as you can image £50 is a lot of money in the whole scheme of things and quite frankly do you think we can be bothered altering measurements simply to make £50 measly quid for five hours work?
Gain of weight
You wouldn’t think it possible would you? I mean the first words on every girls lips that come into the shop are “well I am going to lose some weight” we nod and smile smugly in the knowledge of many others before her who have said the same and returned exactly the same size.
The culprit? a new daily venture in every brides pre marriage timetable “the gym” you know the one, that wonderful place that tones and slims…. No that wonderful place that tones and builds muscle.
Take for example a pretty but slightly larger size 18 lady who has spent months at the gym and enthusiastically swimming length after length in the pool desperate to lose those extra inches and excessively using the weights to tone her ample shape. Unfortunately because of the amount of, ahem, excess baggage so to speak she actually gains three inches around her midriff in muscle tone, oh what joy another dress to alter. Her horror and disbelief snapping we are surely mistaken as she had lost 4 lbs on the scales were laid to rest with our magic measuring tape! One quick twist of the tape around her middle and our proof was in the bag.
You see the keen bridal owner will have fallen for every trick in the book until turning into Sherlock Holmes style detective. All avenues of possible deceit have to be covered in advance the main avenue being the measuring. For many years we have worked in a lapsodasical way simply measuring, sizing and ordering, yes how very blasé of us. But alas this made way for the deceptive brides who lost or gained weight then swore blind that they hadn’t and we must surely be mistaken and ordered the wrong size. So we now work in a strategic military like fashion measuring exactly and then to cover our backs so to speak get the bride to sign her name against the proof of her girth. Yes we agree is totally ridiculous but sadly necessary. So when she comes to her fitting 4 inches heavier we can smugly point to her original measurements complete with her moniker and watch whilst she red faced confesses all of the secret binges of chocolate orange bars and sponge cake. I was actually considering going one step further and video taping the evidence to replay when the dress arrives, well, maybe not but clever idea don’t you think
Of course there are those other brides that put on weight round their tummies, increasing by each appointment. Now do we say it? Or is it rude? I mean there could be some girls out there that wear white because indeed they are the virginal brides they are supposed to be. In the end after countless alterations including additions of extra side panels we ask
“Could there be any possibility you may be pregnant?” (Always in a very quiet and apologetic tone)….
Bride - “absolutely no way!”
Low and behold a week later the bride comes in rather embarrassed stating her mistake and is there any way we can hide a four month bump?
Obsessed with weight bride.
Whether to lose weight or gain weight all brides have one thing in common obsession with their shape. I can’t tell you how I feel for all those size 10 girls when they complain about their non-existent flabby stomach. They sway and prance in front of the full length mirror smugly in the knowledge of their near perfect shape. Trying to ignore them they, missing the usual adoration they are obviously used to, claim “look at my bulges” to which of course they expect the usual “what bulges you look wonderful” however at the total insanity of the remark I reply “don’t worry you don’t notice them in that design”. Having not received the usual reply the bride looks worriedly into the mirror searching for the evidence of early middle age spread as I walk casually into the other room. They are now convinced I have seen something they can’t and quiz me on the areas of which its hiding. Smiling I reply “oh you know your really huge bottom, wide thighs etc.” realising I was taking the piss instead of being annoyed and thus storming out from the shop, looks relieved and continues to strut in front of the mirror with smugness whilst her mother looks on rolling her eyes.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Bras and boobs
Yes its official they are getting bigger and bigger and what does every girl want to wear with those double-F cup bazookas? Yes, you guessed it, a strapless dress of course.
They usually arrive for their viewing in a soft T-shirt style wireless bra with their chests dropping to knee level. Don’t they realise that in twenty years that there proudly displayed chest will droop to floor in cavewoman type fashion? So we politely ask them to lift their bust up from the floor and into the cup of the dress, which follows with them lifting our dress. “No not the dress dear your boobs” with a bewildered look which proves that they have never ever lifted their bust into the correct above navel position they wriggle the dress down again “no dear put your hands in the dress and lift up your bust” at which point I wish I could get in their and move them myself in baking bread fashion. Finally the penny drops and the bust are levered into position, which amazingly creates a waist hurrah!
Bride - “Oh don’t I look slim in this?”
They exclaim it with glee at which point I wish to reply ”that’s because we can see your waist past your bust now dear” but as always I hold back the sarcasm. So now with bust surprised into natural position she stomps unladylike into the main room with mother tearfully looking on wishing we could always dress daughter to ensure bust is not scraping floor in later years.
We had one of these delightful ladies in recently with her ample FF boobs. She was adamant that she wanted a bias cut soft satin gown with a bare back with shoestring straps. Trying to explain that she would not be able to wear a bra with this slinky number was rebuffed with
“that’s not a problem I can wear those stick on bra cups”
Now I don’t think they realised that the stick on cups are not magic! They can’t defy gravity by lifting anything up they just cover any evidence of a cold winters day (if you see what I mean) so I really can’t imagine the look of double FF boobs drooping down to the waist in slinky dress. I politely showed her the door.
Then of course there is the opposite end of the spectrum the under endowed these lovely ladies that do not have to be coaxed into a bust cup but which need that extra wadding to fill in the large gaps.
Our secret weapon is actually the shoulder pad a wonderful tool for packing out the less fortunate bust. Believe me this is a much safer tool as it avoids any possibly embarrassing moments in front of the alter where chicken filets have been known to end up on the floor being chased down the aisle much to the dismay of the vicar and hilarity of the congregation. We also avoid the use of bust cups, thus avoiding the horror when your nearest and dearest hugs you tightly and steps away to display two indented holes where your boobs should of been. So thanks to the 1980’s shoulder pads are back in fashion! just slightly slipped.
They usually arrive for their viewing in a soft T-shirt style wireless bra with their chests dropping to knee level. Don’t they realise that in twenty years that there proudly displayed chest will droop to floor in cavewoman type fashion? So we politely ask them to lift their bust up from the floor and into the cup of the dress, which follows with them lifting our dress. “No not the dress dear your boobs” with a bewildered look which proves that they have never ever lifted their bust into the correct above navel position they wriggle the dress down again “no dear put your hands in the dress and lift up your bust” at which point I wish I could get in their and move them myself in baking bread fashion. Finally the penny drops and the bust are levered into position, which amazingly creates a waist hurrah!
Bride - “Oh don’t I look slim in this?”
They exclaim it with glee at which point I wish to reply ”that’s because we can see your waist past your bust now dear” but as always I hold back the sarcasm. So now with bust surprised into natural position she stomps unladylike into the main room with mother tearfully looking on wishing we could always dress daughter to ensure bust is not scraping floor in later years.
We had one of these delightful ladies in recently with her ample FF boobs. She was adamant that she wanted a bias cut soft satin gown with a bare back with shoestring straps. Trying to explain that she would not be able to wear a bra with this slinky number was rebuffed with
“that’s not a problem I can wear those stick on bra cups”
Now I don’t think they realised that the stick on cups are not magic! They can’t defy gravity by lifting anything up they just cover any evidence of a cold winters day (if you see what I mean) so I really can’t imagine the look of double FF boobs drooping down to the waist in slinky dress. I politely showed her the door.
Then of course there is the opposite end of the spectrum the under endowed these lovely ladies that do not have to be coaxed into a bust cup but which need that extra wadding to fill in the large gaps.
Our secret weapon is actually the shoulder pad a wonderful tool for packing out the less fortunate bust. Believe me this is a much safer tool as it avoids any possibly embarrassing moments in front of the alter where chicken filets have been known to end up on the floor being chased down the aisle much to the dismay of the vicar and hilarity of the congregation. We also avoid the use of bust cups, thus avoiding the horror when your nearest and dearest hugs you tightly and steps away to display two indented holes where your boobs should of been. So thanks to the 1980’s shoulder pads are back in fashion! just slightly slipped.
Types of Bride and their funny little ways !
It is hard to know where to start so please accept my apologies if I babble. I think I will start with the diferent types of brides and the kind of problems we seemed to encounter on a daily basis.
So where to start!
Ok so I have decided to start my rants where they all began... in my shop. After 10 years it closed last year but it was definately an experience I will remember for my whole lifetime.
Weddings are supposed to be loving and happy occasions filled with excitement. However be warned as for the bridal shop owner it can be tear your hair out, nervous breakdowns and hysterical laughter through sheer mental exhaustion. You will be subjected to such things as screaming fits, fainting, obsessive compulsives to name just a few.
Its not that I am a bitter twisted old spinster and certainly not a man hater as I myself am very happily married to a lovely guy. I must warn you however to get the insight into this strange world that is “Wedding” can only be made by the strong and not for the feint hearted.
I was a bridal shop owner for ten years. If you are getting married my advice is read this then maybe just maybe you will the one in a million “angel” customers and will learn from all the control freaks before you. I want to give you an insight and warnings of what lies ahead as you walk the path towards your wedding day in the hope that you can do it with all hairs still attached to your scalp in a calm and dignified manner.
If you are completely deranged and think it’s a really cute idea to open a wedding shop because “it must be soooo lovely dealing with all those happy brides” after reading this you may, if you are sensible change your mind and take the easier option and work as a Prison Warden or psychiatric Nurse.
So with all this in mind what prompted the move to start my own business? Mostly a complex against authority figures? Working to my own timetable? Probably. I started up working for myself about fifteen years ago and did really love it at first but the more you expand the trickier it gets and the louder and more obnoxious the customer. Little did I know what I would encounter on the way and pressure … what pressure.
This blog is not for the feint hearted be warned, I will be subjecting you to the horrors of VPL, fat thighs and G-Strings not to mention the horror of the Demon teenage bridesmaid, yes this is really scary stuff. If you are ready and willing to start your search into the wedding world read on and learn from those before you.
Weddings are supposed to be loving and happy occasions filled with excitement. However be warned as for the bridal shop owner it can be tear your hair out, nervous breakdowns and hysterical laughter through sheer mental exhaustion. You will be subjected to such things as screaming fits, fainting, obsessive compulsives to name just a few.
Its not that I am a bitter twisted old spinster and certainly not a man hater as I myself am very happily married to a lovely guy. I must warn you however to get the insight into this strange world that is “Wedding” can only be made by the strong and not for the feint hearted.
I was a bridal shop owner for ten years. If you are getting married my advice is read this then maybe just maybe you will the one in a million “angel” customers and will learn from all the control freaks before you. I want to give you an insight and warnings of what lies ahead as you walk the path towards your wedding day in the hope that you can do it with all hairs still attached to your scalp in a calm and dignified manner.
If you are completely deranged and think it’s a really cute idea to open a wedding shop because “it must be soooo lovely dealing with all those happy brides” after reading this you may, if you are sensible change your mind and take the easier option and work as a Prison Warden or psychiatric Nurse.
So with all this in mind what prompted the move to start my own business? Mostly a complex against authority figures? Working to my own timetable? Probably. I started up working for myself about fifteen years ago and did really love it at first but the more you expand the trickier it gets and the louder and more obnoxious the customer. Little did I know what I would encounter on the way and pressure … what pressure.
This blog is not for the feint hearted be warned, I will be subjecting you to the horrors of VPL, fat thighs and G-Strings not to mention the horror of the Demon teenage bridesmaid, yes this is really scary stuff. If you are ready and willing to start your search into the wedding world read on and learn from those before you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)