G-Strings (of the lingerie not guitar variety)

I mean what is it with g-strings? Was there a special g-string initiation party, which I missed in the nineties, which said “yes ladies no matter what size and shape you are you must wear g-string knickers and especially when you are about to get your kit off to try on a wedding dress. They are totally gross and are usually ornamented with butterfly or Chinese writing tattoo on their protruding posterior.

Picture the scene…. I, your ever-helpful bridal shop owner assist you in viewing the range of top designer bridal wear then escort you and the dress of your choice into the changing room. Unfortunately for me you have chosen the very large full gown with the inner corset with lace up straps. We chat cheerily as you undress and low and behold what meets my eyes as you bend over to remove your Jeans? A big fat arse with a cheese wire right up the middle…. Oh Joy.

Now I don’t have to paint much more of a picture I am sure …. But I am going to. You have delicately stepped into this rather expensive silk gown and before I can button you into it I have to lace up an inner corset to pull you in tight with the laces to deceptively show off your invisible curves. But alas what happens to the end of the laces when I have finished pulling in your waist? Believe me it is allot like hunt the thimble when we come to take off the gown as the lace disappears down the same place as the g-string ended up.

Then you have the bride that wants the sleek and shapely “Hollywood red carpet” dress, a beautiful creation but you can guarantee the bride that want to wear it is always the bride with the large behind ever so slightly larger with more cellulite.

Now ladies can I point out that a G-String unlike those wonderful fuller style knickers do not actually give that excess baggage any support and it really isn’t fetching to view a slinky dress with two wobbling masses bringing up the rear complete with cheese wire v.p.l. I have a test for you if you have a tummy stand up straight and look down at your feet. If you need to hold your breath and suck in to see your pinkies G-strings are not really a great look on you, think of gravity what will happen to those aching stomach muscles in years to come when they have been subjected to the droop, pelvic floor dear pelvic floor you don’t want to have the worry of what will happen when you laugh now do you.