Weighty issue?

Loss of weight

The Obvious type of bride you would think of course all brides want to lose weight but their ever-obsessive goals are annoying beyond belief. I would guarantee you that if we measured a bride for her dress four days before it arrived she would still find time to lose a further four inches.

Bride – “Well that’s no problem is it you can just take it in?”

Oh yes of course I will just take this bodice off this skirt, remove the petticoat, undo the lining remove the beading and crystalling intricately added to the bodice and then take it in and put it all back, a simple ten minute job.

I must admit I was of the crowd of bewildered in the beginning that to take in a dress just meant sewing up the inside a bit more but alas this is not the case, unless of course you want side wings on your dress or some great big clump of fabric digging into your sides. We had a most fabulous lady that altered the gowns for us she is worth her weight in gold and quite frankly I could not pay her as much as she is worth (luckily she was my mum).

Of course the bride wants to look her best but I can see a grey hair appear as if by magic every time another bride comes in with a long tail of how she can’t possibly have lost any more weight because she has been eating Mars Bars every day to ensure she hasn’t. This is of course not to boast, as they would sincerely love to boast about the two stone that she has lost but simply to avoid the £50 alteration charge. We of course then use the magic measuring tape, as it is wafted across her ever reducing body.

Bride - “Your measurements must been wrong” I haven’t lost any weight my jeans still fit the same”.

Ah yes that wonderful measurement device “jeans” they always come into play when a girl is lying about her size. Jeans are used as a very accurate weight loss tool surely you knew this. Jeans for example do not stretch to fit oh no and they certainly don’t shrink back after washing. So of course the aid of the trusty Jeans can give you a pinpoint accuracy to weight fluctuation. So now we are subjected to a barrage of accusations that we are liars and cheats all because of a £50 alteration charge. May I remind you that the average cost of a wedding is around £15,000 so as you can image £50 is a lot of money in the whole scheme of things and quite frankly do you think we can be bothered altering measurements simply to make £50 measly quid for five hours work?


Gain of weight

You wouldn’t think it possible would you? I mean the first words on every girls lips that come into the shop are “well I am going to lose some weight” we nod and smile smugly in the knowledge of many others before her who have said the same and returned exactly the same size.

The culprit? a new daily venture in every brides pre marriage timetable “the gym” you know the one, that wonderful place that tones and slims…. No that wonderful place that tones and builds muscle.

Take for example a pretty but slightly larger size 18 lady who has spent months at the gym and enthusiastically swimming length after length in the pool desperate to lose those extra inches and excessively using the weights to tone her ample shape. Unfortunately because of the amount of, ahem, excess baggage so to speak she actually gains three inches around her midriff in muscle tone, oh what joy another dress to alter. Her horror and disbelief snapping we are surely mistaken as she had lost 4 lbs on the scales were laid to rest with our magic measuring tape! One quick twist of the tape around her middle and our proof was in the bag.

You see the keen bridal owner will have fallen for every trick in the book until turning into Sherlock Holmes style detective. All avenues of possible deceit have to be covered in advance the main avenue being the measuring. For many years we have worked in a lapsodasical way simply measuring, sizing and ordering, yes how very blasé of us. But alas this made way for the deceptive brides who lost or gained weight then swore blind that they hadn’t and we must surely be mistaken and ordered the wrong size. So we now work in a strategic military like fashion measuring exactly and then to cover our backs so to speak get the bride to sign her name against the proof of her girth. Yes we agree is totally ridiculous but sadly necessary. So when she comes to her fitting 4 inches heavier we can smugly point to her original measurements complete with her moniker and watch whilst she red faced confesses all of the secret binges of chocolate orange bars and sponge cake. I was actually considering going one step further and video taping the evidence to replay when the dress arrives, well, maybe not but clever idea don’t you think

Of course there are those other brides that put on weight round their tummies, increasing by each appointment. Now do we say it? Or is it rude? I mean there could be some girls out there that wear white because indeed they are the virginal brides they are supposed to be. In the end after countless alterations including additions of extra side panels we ask

“Could there be any possibility you may be pregnant?” (Always in a very quiet and apologetic tone)….

Bride - “absolutely no way!”

Low and behold a week later the bride comes in rather embarrassed stating her mistake and is there any way we can hide a four month bump?

Obsessed with weight bride.

Whether to lose weight or gain weight all brides have one thing in common obsession with their shape. I can’t tell you how I feel for all those size 10 girls when they complain about their non-existent flabby stomach. They sway and prance in front of the full length mirror smugly in the knowledge of their near perfect shape. Trying to ignore them they, missing the usual adoration they are obviously used to, claim “look at my bulges” to which of course they expect the usual “what bulges you look wonderful” however at the total insanity of the remark I reply “don’t worry you don’t notice them in that design”. Having not received the usual reply the bride looks worriedly into the mirror searching for the evidence of early middle age spread as I walk casually into the other room. They are now convinced I have seen something they can’t and quiz me on the areas of which its hiding. Smiling I reply “oh you know your really huge bottom, wide thighs etc.” realising I was taking the piss instead of being annoyed and thus storming out from the shop, looks relieved and continues to strut in front of the mirror with smugness whilst her mother looks on rolling her eyes.